Dear Uncle Jamie,
With Halloween and its’ fancy dressed frivolities fast approaching I’m afraid to say I’m all in a pickle. My problem is that the girl of my dreams (and other less savour imaginings) is going to the same Halloween party as me and I just cannot work out how to pitch my costume. It’s got to be scary but not creepy, funny but flattering and above all it can’t break the bank.
Clearly the bog-roll mummy (Egyptian, not maternal) I’ve used as my go-to for years isn’t going to carve the pumpkin; but what else is there?
A speedy reply would be much appreciated.
Yours,
P
Dearest P,
First off I have to say, and this really is true, that of all the emails I have received in the ten minutes I’ve been doing this column yours is one of, if not the, most troubling yet. I mean, who wouldn’t sympathise with your situation? You’ve got a party to go, probably the biggest of your life, and you’ve got to wear fancy dress. There’s only two ways it can go: get it right and you’ll be sinking your teeth into a night of red hot passion; get it wrong and your dusty old broomstick goes un-ridden for another night.
And so to my solution…
At first, I must admit that I toyed with all sorts of elaborate costumes to fulfil you criteria: a spooky and ghoulish character from a gothic novel (e.g. Frankenstein)? A cruel and notorious serial killer of years gone-by (e.g. Jack The Ripper)? An evil and grotesque witch (e.g Kerry Katona)?
But then I visited your Facebook and realised the answer to our problems lay in something far simpler – do nothing. Indeed, with your heavily misshaped face, lank hair and repulsive fashion sense it seems that no ‘dressing-up’ is needed – you are, all at once, scary, creepy and hilarious to look at and this way you needn’t spend a penny!
Now get out of my office.
Uncle Jamie
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Dear Uncle Jamie,
I’m told that you are a relationship guru so I’m really hoping you can help me. Essentially, my problem is that my boyfriend constantly picks his nose and it’s really getting to me. We’ve been going out for nearly two years and everything was fine until a friend pointed-out that my bf always has his finger buried in his nose and it’s getting worse. In the past, for example, his nasal excavations were confined to quiet and subtle moments; but recently he’s been doing it during lectures and during conversations. He’s even at it when we’re at it, if you see what I mean.
I have tried asking politely but nothing seems to change and now I really think it might be the end of us.
Please help me salvage my relationship.
Thanks so much,
E
E,
This is indeed a difficult situation and one that requires a sensitive and sensible response. Unfortunately I can offer you neither of the above and instead suggest that either you dump him or lump him. For his sake at least I would consider the former. After all, what self-respecting man would want a relationship where he can’t perform the pick and flick manoeuvre at least twice per day?
Women the world over need to understand that, despite what others may say, you cannot change a man – once a picker, always a picker.
Kindest regards,
Uncle Jamie
If you need help with a serious problem or are seeking advice on a sensitive issues then get in touch with your GP. If they don’t answer email Uncle Jamie at [email protected]
