After a relationship comes to an end, it’s not uncommon to replay back its final moments, days, or weeks, for some semblance of a hint that it was coming. Oftentimes the dumpee is left completely in the dark, wondering what they could have done differently, begging for an explanation. Sometimes they see it coming, and other times may have even prayed for it themselves.
It happened to me recently. I wasn’t the one to instigate the conversation that ended the relationship, yet I had a feeling for several weeks prior that the end was in sight. Despite this, I don’t know if I’d ever have mustered the courage to actually rip the bandage off myself. With the shock of being told my ex wanted to end things came a strange and cathartic relief.
Such conflicting feelings have made dealing with my emotional state and attempts to ‘move on’ significantly more challenging than I imagine a clean cut betrayal or loss of love would have been. It’s confusing that this is something I was on the verge of doing only a month prior, and yet I made such an effort from that point to fix things, and myself, to make the relationship work.
We stay in relationships that don’t serve us, are unhealthy, and that we simply don’t want to be in, because of the sense of safety and comfort they provide. We can’t see an obvious end to the relationship, and yet at the same time we also can’t imagine a future. Familiarity breeds contempt, and if passion is lacking after you’ve progressed through the honeymoon phase, it’s easier than you’d think to be complacent in a relationship. So we let it stew. We don’t do anything to address the lingering, unspoken problems until it all bubbles over.
Through the past few weeks, I’ve developed somewhat of a hyperfixation on romantic comedies, finding they are quite successful at filling a void in my broken heart. I watched Anyone But You and was particularly struck by the explanation given by Sydney Sweeney’s character as to why her long-term relationship before she finds lasting love with Powell’s character—that she and her ex never fought.
That might seem counterintuitive. Why would you want to fight, when you could have perfect harmony? To a certain extent, yes, excessive fighting can be a sign of incompatibility or aggressive tendencies. However, to never disagree or argue is actually often a sign of much deeper seated issues in a relationship.
I’d be lying if I said there wasn’t anything for us to fight over. Many issues emerged, from our wildly different daily routines and habits to our mutual unwillingness to put effort into the others’ interests. But every time one of those arose we’d find ways to dampen it, to cover up how we actually felt about it. Communication suffered, and we pretended to be different people than who we truly were, caring about different things than we truly did.
Ultimately, it all built to an unsaid feeling that the relationship wasn’t worth fighting for. Despite beautiful times, some of the most heartfelt confessions and her ability to make me feel more loved than I ever have before, our desires to reflect the image of a perfect relationship, whether it be outward or even just to ourselves, consistently beat out attempts to be our genuine selves and to do right by the other. When you care more about the relationship than the person you’re in it with, that’s typically not a promising sign.
Some TikTok relationship trends take it to the extreme. Advice such as “stay until you hate them” has recently trended on the app, encouraging people in unsatisfactory relationships to never end it and instead stay in a relationship or reconnect with their until feelings of resentment and hatred emerge, offering a more neat and justified reason for the relationship to end, and less complicated feelings in the aftermath.
#IHateMyBF trended on TikTok last year, amassing over 160 thousand posts. They depict acts of quiet resentment in a humorous fashion, from being irritated at every text message your partner sends you to harbouring secret desires for another. The whole trend makes you almost question if the person posting them is aware of how heartless what they’re saying is, but it’s also symptomatic of a larger trend in our generation to skirt real communication for humour and behind back whispering.
We bizarrely find it more sympathetic, more kind, to our partner to let resentment sit, to force them to end things, growing so despondent that they feel there is no other choice. In relationships lacking real passion and desire, where there is nothing worth fighting for, it feels like an easier choice, but it’s one that leaves you, and more unfairly your partner, in a stagnant limbo.
You don’t allow either person to move on, to find something more real, that they’ll want to fight for. Pull the bandage off once you’re no longer in a situation that serves you, or at least try, at the very least it’s a sign you care. If my ex happens to be reading this, thank you for caring. You did us both a favour, even if it didn’t feel that way to me in the moment.
