Today I’m talking about drugs in sport. Unfortunately, my granny knows I write this column, but due to her deteriorating vision, she can only read the headlines. So here’s why I think drugs are good.
What I want to know is just when you start considering something ‘drugs’ and stop considering it ‘fruit.’ Eating fruit will make you better at sport, but it’s not against the rules. Taking steroids will make you better at sport quicker, but they are against the rules. It’s like saying all jerseys should be made out of cotton because spandex is too efficient and aerodynamic and shit. People seem to think simple constitutes good and complex means evil. Or maybe it’s just the kind of people who govern sport. Sure, you could argue that steroids are bad for sports people, but so is SPORT. Think of all the brain damaged boxers, all the ugly rugby players. I’m pretty sure at this point even I could take Muhammad Ali in a boxing match.
This is something I believe in, if you’re going to devote yourself to try to be the best at something, you might as well be as good as possible. Great musicians like ‘The Who’ have sacrificed their hearing for the love of what they do, I don’t understand why sporters don’t have the same dedication to self-destruction. If it means being the best *insert sport here* player, you might as well push your body as far as it’ll go. C’mon like, you’ll probably retire at 34 anyway, do you really wanna live for another 40 years knowing you’re getting less and less useful and gradually being forgotten by everyone who once held you in any sort of regard? No. You want to peak at 26 and be dead before you’re 30 as a side effect of being too amazing. Like what happened to Bruce Lee. His body was so dangerous it beat itself to death. Hero.
I think we should start experimenting with other drugs in sport. I’d watch a football match if all the players were on acid. That would be worth 90 minutes of my time. ‘Neither team have touched the ball in what is approaching the 35th minute of play, but Stephen Gerrard has taken to performing some sort of interpretive dance while the Chelsea defenders are all hanging out in the goal, I think one of them is caught in the n
et, the others appear to be attempting to build a hammock.’ Ok, it’s going the complete opposite direction to my super-athlete plans, but screw it, I’ve got time to play god with two groups of people. Please note that in a completely un-sports related move, I have not capitalised god. He’s on my naughty list this week.
Sport is certainly more tolerable when on drugs. If you’re baked, golf actually goes at an acceptable speed for a television program. Watching boules might be fun too, if it was ever on at an acceptable time for people to be out of their heads at. Well, let’s face it, no one smokes weed with the intent of watching boules (until now) and it never seems to be on the TV when I might’ve watched it. TV is a last resort of amusement for me, and is only really acceptable when you more or less can’t move. Ever tried reading a book while stoned? Reading that same page over and over again is only amusing for the first four, maybe five reads.
If they legalised all drugs I wonder how it would effect international sport. First of all I guess it would mean the Netherlands would be allowed to compete again. I’m guessing due to the high quality of their drugs athletes from Columbia would have a decent advantage over, let’s say, the likes of Turkey, who don’t really make the cut when it comes to the manufacture of illicit substances, according to noted drug dealer Howard Marks. Sure if the Disney film Cool Runnings is to be believed you can (almost) win winter sports, even while really high. Disney would never lie to you. ‘Miley Cyrus is good, believe us, we made Bambi.’ The child of Billy Ray Cyrus shouldn’t have ever have been allowed make music. She is the spawn of line-dancing and should be put down as soon as possible.
Sorry, I seem to have deviated from my point a bit there. I guess at the end of the article all you can do is summarise what you’ve already said by copying and pasting phrases from earlier on. So here’s why I think drugs are good. Eating fruit will make you better at sport, but it’s not against the rules. Think of all the brain damaged boxers, all the ugly rugby players. erstand why sporters don’t have the same dedication to self-destruction. elf to death. Hero. lay god with two groups of people. pitalised god. ed to compete again. of their heads at. ive reads. I’m guessing due to the high quality of their drugs athletes from Columbia would have a the spawn of line-dancing and should be put down as soon as possible. Sorry, I seem to have deviated from my point a bit there. phrases from earlier on.
