Everybody has one. You know who I’m talking about, those people you see day in, day out, who seem to have the same strange life-schedule as you. You don’t know them, but somehow you both always manage to be in the same place. In the bubble-like world of Trinity College there is simply no way you can avoid these people. I saw mine five times yesterday. No matter how low a profile you keep, whether you’re in the library, in the gym, in the arts block, or even in the post-grad room your college stalker STILL somehow manages to find you. I like to give mine names, “brown coat guy”, “beard man” or “strange girl with crutch”.
And if you’re lucky you can just get on with it and keep pretending you’ve never seen each other before in your life, several times a day. Until you’re at a party and have had way too much free wine. Then something compels you to slur to these people “I see you everywhere!” Never a good idea, as half the time they haven’t noticed you and you just seem like a total stalker.
But of course we know the more we want to see a certain person, the less likely we are to see them. Well it works the other way too. If you go to extreme lengths you go to avoid someone on campus, there is no doubt that you will run into them. Last week I sat next to the same girl in the library all day, and then ran into her later on in the shop, then in Dunnes again that night. After a while I had to wonder if I WAS actually following her subconsciously.
The etiquette of the awkward hello needs to be laid down in our society. There’s an invisible hierarchy as to how we greet people. Mutual friends: A smile. Playschool friends: A look of faint recognition, then a nod. The man behind the counter at your favourite chipper: ignore. But that’s just to save face really. Because if he greets you like an old friend then you know you have a problem.
So what can we do about the inevitability of running into people you just don’t really like? Apart from the obvious-drop out of college. One person I know systematically blanks everyone. There is no pattern, he simply will not say hello to anyone. Another friend has not worn glasses for the last ten years even though she’s verging on blind. At this stage everyone knows, so she can get away with ignoring whosoever she wants without fearing repercussions. If you are in 1st year, it’s time to start cultivating this immediately. It’s also taken me until this year to realise the side road past Player’s theatre is a great friend if I want to avoid someone on the way home. Unless you’re avoiding each other and that person has the same idea.
I have a rule usually. It’s called the rule of three. If I see a person I know well enough to say hello to but not well enough to actually stop and talk then I’ll say hello the first two times. Go out of my way; give a half-hearted wave and everything. But after the third time in a day, an hour, in five minutes, I become an unwelcome fortress of steel. I don’t have the energy for false enthusiasm after two cheery hellos. And I think that’s fine. As a society we’re reaching an unfriendly conclusion: it’s not who you know, but who you ignore.
We’ve all been left licking our wounds after a friendly salute went unreturned. A nervous high-pitched “Hey!” went unanswered. I’ve turned the wave into a sassy hair toss more times than I’d like to recall. Especially since Erasmus, where upon my return I got burnt by six people in a day that didn’t recognise me. One of them was even my mother. You feel humiliated, less than zero. Especially if you’re with someone you’re trying to impress with your popularity.
There are several places where I think it’s completely legitimate to not acknowledge someone. Obviously, somewhere like an AA meeting where anonymity is, well, half the name. And the gym. They should have signs up in the place. Especially in the swimming pool, you are morally obliged to ignore anyone that you would not normally see half naked. But if you’re forced to drop your gaze, make sure you’re careful to aim for the floor and not the crotch. Nobody appreciates that. It’s never acceptable to expect a response to your wave from someone sprinting on a treadmill. For one thing, they risk serious injury. For another, the prospect of anyone seeing you in a state of physical repulsion is terrifying. That’s why God invented the MP3 player. Another is the college health service. Firstly, you can hardly throw in a friendly “So, what are you doing here?” opening comment. That would be prying, (you’ll just have to console yourself with eavesdropping as they talk to the receptionist). Then there’s the forty minute wait for your appointment. The atmosphere in the waiting room can be so tense this time of the year, with students waiting to collect their post-ball STD test results clearly recognisable by their jittery composure. None of them want to hear your awkward small talk.
I can’t imagine how previous generations dealt without the social crutches technology affords us. Take, for example, this familiar scenario: As you’re walking down a long straight road, a single figure heads towards you. They seem far away enough to strain your eyes and look at them. Terrible mistake. It’s that girl you went to dance class with for six weeks when you were twelve. Vague recognition, your gazes lock against your will, her beady eyes boring into yours like some sort of awkward-situation tractor beam. There’s still too much time to say hello, even a wave could be construed as an offensive gesture. Out comes the phone. If you’re one of those people who pretend to make a call and turn your head away as she passes, then you are scum. But most of us will just stare at the tiny machine until the last possible moment, and then whip up our heads in a maniacal smile, trying to arrange our faces with into an expression both eager and nonchalant. The eyes usually end up crossing.
There’s certainly some sort of naked fear that comes with tenuous human connection. The flash of sheer awkwardness that passes between two people who don’t really know each other, or want to, is one of life’s infrequent moments of truth. I find that there are some people in college who I’ve been saying hello to for four years, but have never actually spoken to. Well, I tried it at the start of this year, and actually found it takes less effort to get to know someone as it does to avoid them. The bridge between friendship and acquaintance can be an arduous one, put off for years in some cases. But most of the time, if you make the effort to get to know someone, it will pay off. And not only will you expand your social circle, but you’ll finally be able to walk through college without the fear of social awkwardness.
