By Diarmaid Murphy
There are many annoying things about Christmas. At the same time, I can’t think of anything more irritating than the radio ads for Concern Gifts that are seemingly just impossible to avoid. The whole concept just gets to me.
If you’re one of the few fortunate people that hasn’t been subjected to these evil advertisements, let me explain. The idea behind Concern Gifts is that a person wishing to buy a present for their lucky child, parent, family member, friend or mistress, gets them a card. Written
inside is a message which goes something like this. “You’re never going to guess what you’re getting this Christmas! A goat! Isn’t that what you always wanted? Doesn’t that fill you with joy? A goat! I know it has some drawbacks. Its milk tastes shite and it’s not really up for having the craic, but still, IT’S A MOTHAFUCKIN’ GOAT! Oh wait, one thing. The goat isn’t actually for you. The goat is for a family on the other side of the world. You don’t know them and you’ll never meet them. But hey, I feel good now for getting them a goat, doing my bit of charity, and giving you this rubbish card that isn’t really a Christmas card at all. Happy Christmas!”
Jaysus. Who wants that, like?
So with that in mind, picture the scene. It’s Christmas morning. I run eagerly downstairs, anticipating a mountain of presents, ready to indulge myself like I have every Christmas of my life. So what if I’m spoilt? So what if it’s extravagant? It is Christmas, after all.
So perhaps you can understand my initial disappointment at seeing a solitary envelope under the tree. But all is not lost. Sometimes cash is the best present of all. Open the envelope. “It’s your lucky day.
Oh wait, it’s someone else’s lucky day. They’ve got a water pump.
You’ve got fuck all. Happy Christmas, you muppet.”
What a disgusting thing to do to someone. Being charitable is one thing. If you’re one of these bleeding-hearted, smug, simpering, vainglorious, lefty prats with a martyr complex, if you think that it’s up to you to solve the world’s problems one stupid goat at a time, well that’s just your problem. But don’t impose your stupidity
on me. If you’re getting me a present, get me a present. Don’t exploit me in order to massage your own ego. If I want to have a self-indulgent, materialistic, fat Christmas, well I’m perfectly entitled to do just that. And if you want to piss away all your money on goats, water pumps or worse, pineapple plants, then go right ahead.
But don’t impose your charity on me. The world is plagued with these altruism Nazis. They’re everywhere. But damned if they’re gonna wreck my Christmas ever again.
“There’s a world outside your window, and it’s a world of dread and fear.” Well, thanks for pointing that out, but if I choose to ignore it, that’s my decision. It’s cold outside.
