Jack Cantillon
Spoofer-in-Chief
You stand in front square at 6am with a group of people from college. There’s that ridiculously hot girl you never got the courage to talk to at BESS ball. There’s that guy from the Phil that always says “hello” but you don’t know his name. There’s that mature student who always asks questions at the end of a lecture. There’s that macho rugby player complaining about how it’s got so cold in November. There’s that whale of a man who insists 3 daily chicken fillet rolls are a dietary must. Then a photographer arrives and tells you all to get your kit off. That’s everyone. Well, apart from that creepy 4th year that insisted on getting up to “supervise”. Welcome to the bizarre world of naked calendars.
There has been a surge in naked calendars being used to raise charitable funds every since the release of the movie “Calendar Girls” back in 2003 and Trinity has been no exception. Cancer Soc, an Cumann Gaelach and M.O.V.E are all doing their own clothes-free calendar shoots this year. This has caused widespread panic on campus as desperate participants embark on crash diets, daily trips to the gym and hourly trips to the mirror to note their panicked progress. A seasoned Naked Calendar veteran explained why he wanted to be involved again this year – “I just wanted to whip it out for cancer” he joked. “It’s a good bit of fun for a great cause”. While admitting that most participants “generally had good intentions” he raised worries that some people were using the calendar as a “means of self publication”. A new participant to Naked Calendars this year elaborated, “I think some people see it as a way of getting their face out there, but if that involves raising money for fantastic causes such as Cancer Soc, I don’t really see the problem in it”. These calendars raise great sums every year and every participant has to be commended for stripping off for the entire student body’s pleasure.
The question remains though, why do people have to be naked? Surely it’s just as easy to do a series of funny photos with your clothes on? The veteran explained, “It’s easier to get a bunch of people naked”. Having your clothes on is just “less interesting”. One ginger source remarked, “Sure, we all know it’s only done nude so we can see the Orchestra girls in the nip each year”. It appears perving sells and Trinity expectantly awaits a fresh batch of starkers students entering into naked calendar infamy to have a good old fashioned gawk at them.
Who is bearing-all this year is a mystery though. Participants have been asked not to tell anybody if they’re involved so the societies can drum up sales. There is however some tell tale signs that people can look out for:
1) The “Diet Coke Changeover”
Friends who have suddenly switched to Diet Coke are very likely to be stripping off in the coming weeks. Look out for excuses like “it’s just so refreshing” or “Diet just tastes better”. They have tried Diet Coke before, if they really thought that they would have switched years ago so unless they’ve got a new job as a rep for Diet Coke, you can be pretty sure they’re in the calendar. This is especially true with boys; it’s a scientific fact that no man drinks Diet Coke. Spot a silver can in their hand and you can bet your bottom dollar they’re in it.
2) The “I’ve just got really into the gym lately”
Nobody just get’s really into the gym lately. These people have just got into the naked calendar lately. The cheese grater is being crafted for a reason.
3) The “I’ll just have salad”
Have you noticed one of your mates taking the light option one too many times recently? Notorious for showing symptoms of the “diet coke changeover” as well, these individuals embark on a crash diet that they hope nobody will ever even spot. Order them a burger and chips on you. If they’re in the calendar they won’t touch a single chip or they will be having a date with a toilet and a toothbrush later.
4) The “I can’t make it out tonight”
Have you got a friend who has just stopped going out? These former party animals that have locked themselves away not because they are “swamped with work” but because they’re swamped with naked calendar fear. Don’t believe them for a second, they’re going to be all over February in a month’s time. Anyway, a true beer legend would never let naked looks get in the way of some vitamin H.
5) The “bleary eyed in the morning”
You’re mate is wrecked and he wasn’t out the night before. Chances are he did an early morning naked calendar shoot to dodge security. All that talk of a late night study session is bull, it’s November for god’s sake. The only thing you should be studying is the form in paddy power so you can pay for your Ski Trip. Don’t trust them as far as you could throw them.
6) “Photoshop lesson taker”
Photoshop skills are key for any naked calendar creator. It’s rumoured that one society diva this year demanded that she would only appear if she was given complete photoshop control. It might be a moment on the lips, a lifetime on the hips, but it’s also a moment on the ‘shop’, a lifetime looking hot.
Despite all these signs we will not know for sure whom these people are until we’ve excitedly unwrapped our vacuum-packed calendars in December. Who knows what awaits us? The Rowing team naked as the day they were born on top of the campanile? The rugby team having a scrum starkers in the Arts Block? Or the Equestrian club riding off au natural into the sunset? Only one thing is for certain, that pervy 4th year is going to supervise every last flesh-filled minute.
