Jack Danaher
Contributing Writer
René Descartes. David Hume. (Derek?) Socrates.
Life’s great thinkers. Some of the deepest men to have ever lived. Men who shared a common gift; an ability to ponder and ultimately provide answers to questions surrounding the human condition and its many intricacies. Their ideas are still being discussed today by academics, and forced on you by that one douche at the party in the Che Guevara tshirt.
So what was it that bound these men together, that single definitive trait they all shared, and, despite being born epochs apart, allowed them to generate thoughts so vivid and progressive that they would endure the sands of time? Yep, you guessed right. Every day these men would drop trou and take their rightful seat on the porcelain throne.
You see, in my personal experience (and, being a fan of fibre-rich foods, I’d consider myself a bit of an expert at this stage) the time of day when I’m deepest in thought is those few minutes when my anchor is being painstakingly lowered into porcelain bay (that’s the end of the metaphors for bodily functions, I promise).
Also, considering I have reddy hair and scrubby cheeks, I feel I represent a pretty accurate cross section of the Irish population, and thus any personal physiological occurrences, and experiences thereof, mirror those of society at large, which leads me to presume that anyone reading this executes their motions in the exact same way that I do. We digress.
As a tot I used to take a book in with me, but that lead to pretty long sessions in the bathroom, and once I reached thirteen spending forty five minutes in the bathroom was enough to arouse my mother’s suspicion that I was doing more than just reading. 45 minutes! Who was she kidding? When I was thirteen I couldn’t even last four. (Still can’t, mind you.) I was left to brave the bathroom sans literature, and so my journey down the rabbit hole began.
For a long time there was no practical application of my thoughts, I’d just sit there thinking about football or school beer and sex. In fact, it was only last year I discovered the practicality of the phenomenon. On that occasion I happened to have an assignment due a few days later, and was struggling with a bout of writer’s block. There I was, perched on the throne, settling in for a couple of minutes of playing basketball with Tom Hardy (each to their own), when an idea for the assignment burst into being in my head. I explored it further and by the time I had vacated Trap 2, and apologised to the guy walking in, I had an in-depth plan in place for the assignment. An epiphany of sorts, I suppose.
There’s a Top Tip for you: Having trouble studying? Wolf down a bowl of All-Bran and let nature take its course. You heard it here first, folks.
I’m sure right about now the cynics among you are doubting the existence of a link between activity in the bowels and stimulation of the frontal lobe (there’s a project for the anatomy department). To all those naysayers, likely of a similar ilk to those who iron their socks or use Flora instead of real butter, I feel there’s sufficient evidence to back this point up.
Take, for instance, the sculpture “The Thinker” by Auguste Rodin. According to ever reliable source Wikipedia, “it is often used to represent philosophy”. Wikipedia goes on to say “it depicts a man in sober meditation battling with a powerful internal struggle”. Oh, did I also mention he’s squatting on a plinth bearing a strong resemblance to a toilet bowl?
Still not convinced? How about this. Children begin to experience cognitive development between the ages of two and six (Yes, I actually looked this up). This means that past the age of two, children are able to more quickly develop methods which allow to them to solve more complex problems than they could have previously done (obviously at age two these “complex” problems are things like whether they’ll watch Barney or William’s Wish Wellingtons, but to a one year old solving that kind of issue is Nobel Prize winning material).
Another reliable internet source, and also shortlisted for the Most Hilariously Ridiculous Website Name on the Internet Award, www.pottytrainingconcepts.com tells us (in their “Tips” section) that the right time to potty train your child is anytime from 18 months up to 2 years.
Let’s recap. Humans begin to drop a deuce (I lied when I said it was the end of the metaphors) alone at around two years of age. Humans also begin to develop mentally at a much faster pace from the age of 2 onwards.
Coincidence? I think not. And with the age at which children become potty trained getting lower and lower, according to a fact I just made up, the future’s looking bright.
So, armed with this knowledge, GO FORTH AND POO! Hopefully if more people stop talking shite and starttaking them, the world will be a more learned place.
Anyway, I’ve an exam next week. 12 pints and a curry please, barkeep, and put a toilet roll in the fridge.
