Shauna Watson | Online Features Editor
Sitting on the cricket pitch has always been a Trinity student’s favourite. Arsing around, possibly a cheeky game of danger can and that one person KO’d on the grass after three and a half glasses of Kopparberg and blackcurrant. But as the November rain falls, arsing around on the cricket pitch has just turned into a soggy arse as the security men regain their pride and control of being able to throw people off the grass – three culprits are a lot easier to handle than 300. So unless you’re Paddy ‘Barack Obama’ Prendergast, a nurse or in the Phil/Hist you have more than one choice of place to hang (‘Ph-isties’ are only allowed out of the GMB during Freshers week to make them look social.) Somewhere to nom your Maguire’s chillet roll, somewhere to lock-in a life partner with your enticing Trinity conversation, or just somewhere for you to sit alone and retell yourself your secrets. So, embracing the stereotypes (and I’d encourage you, reader, to embrace my embracing of the stereotypes), I’ve run through a few of the most common places to hangout around college and the company associated with them.
When I refer to the arts block sofas, I’m not talking about the strict BESS territory of the red arts block couches. I believe this area was the shadowy place that Mufasa was warning Simba about. Lest you, a non-BESS student, find yourself wandering foolishly into this zone of intimidation you will no doubt be attacked with a can of L’Oreal Elnett hairspray to the eyes and a Paul’s Boutique bag in the genitals. And that’s just by the guys.
Photo: Leanna Byrne
I’m referring to the black arts block sofas in the main area and the implied invitation to “Get the shift here”. Once you sit down on these deep pods of love laden with the sexual frustration of those still living at home, magical sexual dust hidden somewhere in the cushions of the sofas trigger the release of hormones and chemicals such as phenylethylamine, dopamine and orepinepherine (they’re all real, I’m not just stringing consonants together) and before you can shout EL James you find yourself straddling the male or female sitting next to you. So you see, it’s not their fault. It’s science. And if you’re a Chandler Bing type of lover who’s hopeless and awkward and desperate for love, take some tips from the romping sight before you. It’s practically free porn and it will teach more about awkward intimacy that a Twilight film.
Staying with the arts block, we venture to the arts block smoking area (ABSA). There are only two kinds of people who frequent the ABSA. Hipsters who like to smoke standing up and hipsters who like to smoke sitting down. In between drags of their menthols, you’ll hear regular talk about how cool it is to wear Christmas jumpers all year round and how Workman’s on Saturday was too mainstream but Workman’s on Sunday was really chill but not as good as Workman’s on Monday when the Fish Soc dj’s were playing because the Fish Soc guys are such great CATCHES (only said by Fish Soc themselves).
Unsurprisingly, students in the Hamilton building have no knowledge of the concept of a student society let alone knowing such a thing as a Fish Soc exists. Nor do the students in the Hamilton know of any places to hangout as they’re too busy out buying another pair of navy O’Neills or trying to master the Mac computers as they only sell Windows ‘98 in Cavan. But what business would an Arts student have being in the Hamilton if not to prey on the GAA lads or to find a mot who would be good to bring home to the parents? Perhaps for an English literature post-colonial lecture. Or quite possibly for a Shakespearean horror module in Film Studies. Having to walk through the Hamilton would be pretty good preparation for any horror lecture.
If the chatting in the 24-hour computer room is anything to go by, we’ll hit up the library as our next stop on the hangout guide. Whether you’re there to catch some z’s, check out the meat, or to do some actual work (unlikely) ,grab a coat and a hot water bottle because this is your pie in the sky. As regular as the Libro cop himself, there’s always one perky and distracted library-goer who is only there for a solid Facebook status documenting the person sitting next to them. In the last week, I’ve seen ‘like’ marathons about students who have opened their laptop to the sound of Call Me Maybe on loudspeaker (poor guy) or were watching Power Rangers unaware of the resounding volume of their headphones and others with inappropriate groans. Now, I’m no expert in statistics but at least 43 statuses are written every minute about someone else in the library. And one of those is most likely written about you.
But what about the GMB, I hear you say, it’s a great spot to hang? Well what they haven’t been teaching you in English grammar is that you can’t spell Phil and Hist without incest. There’s a reason why you only ever see Ph-isties using those GM(Hepatitis)B couches and it’s not for a daytime nap.
So how does one avoid the awkward shifting, the infected debaters, and everyone in the Hamilton? Unless you fancy joining the rest of the college community and spending most of your time in Trinity’s ultimate hangout spot, IS Services, then the best thing to do when you’re looking for somewhere to recline is to just give up and go back home.
