When I was in first year I used to hope that by my final year I would have made massive progress towards finally being where I want to be with my life – that I would be able to graduate in a dress as the person that I really am. I am a transgender woman. But to the world at large I am still very firmly in the closet. Call it naivety, but I had high hopes in first year that by final year I would be well on my way with my transition and would be able to finally and unashamedly be myself. Sadly, that was an unrealistic view. But I’ve made massive headway since coming to Trinity, in no small part thanks to the excellent support of friends and from much of the broader College community. However, when I graduate in November I will still be in a suit and not a dress.
Fundamentally, this is because who I am and who I can be in Trinity are very different to who I can be on the streets of Dublin or back home. I act like a different person around family to how I am around my friends here in Dublin. I’m still not out to my family or indeed to many of my friends and I still feel afraid of taking that step. A traditional view of gender identity is very prevalent in my home life and I haven’t plucked up the courage to come out to my family just yet. I will, but I want to be in a stable situation, financially and emotionally, before I can take that leap. And to do that I need to graduate and find a job first.
For me to walk down the street in a dress, makeup and wig – essentially as the person I want to be – would be to fear for my personal safety
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Trinity is a welcoming bubble of acceptance for the most part, but it is vastly different to the rural area that I hail from and even from many other parts of Dublin. The marriage equality referendum and the Gender Recognition Act that followed it felt like massive victories for me. But while many same-sex couples now walk through Dublin safer in the knowledge that the majority of the country accepts them, I would feel immensely uncomfortable walking anywhere as who I am. Maybe Trinity would be better, but given the tourists who frequent the university, not to mention those who may not hold such open opinions as you or I, I don’t feel comfortable taking that chance. The broader population’s views of transgender people have not fully changed yet. For me to walk down the street in a dress, makeup and wig – essentially as the person I want to be – would be to fear for my personal safety. I would be terrified of being harassed with slurs or awkward questions about whether I am “a man or a woman”. We are more accepting as a society, but we’re not fully there yet. Opinions take time to change and a lot of people still aren’t fully educated on transgender rights or even on the basic fact of our existence. Many people’s views on transgender people come from hideously inaccurate depictions of us in the media or in conflating us with drag queens. I’m many things, but I am not a man.
For so many of us – my family included – gender is simply a binary thing, boy or girl, with no in-between and certainly no crossing from one to the other
It will take time for everyone to really understand the problems that transgender people face. I guess it’s understandable, given that for so many of us – my family included – gender is simply a binary thing, boy or girl, with no in-between and certainly no crossing from one to the other. We are raised to view gender in that way, so when someone like me does not fit that mould I immediately become an outsider. Living my life as I do right now, portraying myself to the world for all intents and purposes as a man, is the safest thing for me to do, though immensely difficult on a personal level. There’s no point in me rushing coming out and feeling uncomfortable before I’m ready to finally let go of this breath that I have been holding for so long.
In a way, I haven’t helped my own cause because it’s been easy for me to hide. I don’t look or dress androgynously, so when I come out to people I have sometimes gotten the unfortunate response of “really?”. Hair is a personal battlefield for me, as there is also only so much I can do at the moment about my biologically male characteristics of facial and body hair, thinning hair and a receding hairline. Adding insult to injury, even my body is against me on this. Sadly, I also don’t at the moment “pass”. I can’t look and dress like who I am without people thinking I’m just a “man in a dress”. I can’t blend in with other girls and that is immensely painful and adds to why I can’t feel like I can come out fully yet. I don’t want to be stared at or made fun of for simply walking down the street – I don’t have the courage to stomach that. I want to be and deserve to be treated as a human being but there are people out there who disagree with me on that point.
Trinity was a breath of fresh air for me in first year, a massive change from the closed world of my life before I came here. It was a giant leap forward for me to come here and meet other LGBT people, to meet people who were so supportive of me and were always there to help, and to come closer than ever to being myself in a safe and welcoming environment. Before I came to Trinity, I always used to look over my shoulder when coming out to people but now I’m caring less. I’ve come out of my shell more and am less ashamed of who I am. I’ve felt comfortable coming out to more and more of my friend group, in college and with friends from home. Thankfully, the responses have been almost universally positive and supportive. This doesn’t mean that I’m 100 per cent ready to throw myself out into the world and be myself at long last. I’ve stuck my toe out of the closet but haven’t fully jumped out yet. Someday – hopefully in the not too distant future – I will do that but I want to feel safe and comfortable before I do so. For the moment, I’ll just have to remain anonymous and put up with the graduation suit. But I’m hopeful that I won’t have to put up with it for much longer.
This article was written anonymously by a Trinity student who does not yet feel safe and comfortable coming out as trans.
