Ah, Trinity Ball. The night of drink, debauchery and getting lost on a campus that you think you know like the back of your hand. The night of identical hip flasks from Tiger littering Nassau St as students rush to dispose of the evidence before entering College’s hallowed grounds.
It’s a night of sending dodgy text messages and getting cringey group photographs outside the Graduates Memorial Building with people you will probably never speak to ever again once you all graduate. Basically, the night of your dreams.
Like so many other things right now, the coronavirus has cruelly snatched Trinity Ball from our cold, glittery hands. If you’re sad to be missing this night of overpriced drink, overdressed students and underwhelming musical offerings, do not worry. We would not let you down like this — I would not let you down like this.
As always, The University Times is here to cater to your every whim or desire because we want you to enjoy yourself, to live your best life and – most importantly – to click on our articles. Here, we compile the definitive guide to recreating the best night of your life while remaining socially-distance compliant.
Dispose of €91
Flush it down the toilet, feed it to your dog, subscribe to Caroline Calloway’s OnlyFans twice: whatever it takes to ensure that you never see this money again. Trinity Ball utilises a psychological phenomenon whereby upon purchasing your ticket you have contractually obliged yourself to have a good night by virtue of the ridiculous amount of money you have spent on it. Even that friend who misses everything because they’ve spent all night vomiting in a Portaloo or crying over their ex will insist that it was so worth it simply because they do not want to admit that they wasted their money. If you are really committed to the Trinity Ball cause, then you must jettison this amount before you can even begin to think about enjoying your night.
Stand Around Outside Until You Get Cold
Everyone knows that when you try to condense Trinity Ball down into one distinct experience, it is simply a night of being freezing and constantly reminding everyone of how cold you are. Recreate this feeling by standing outside for as long as it takes to get cold and then proceed to text all your friends about it. Do not go inside to get a jacket or jumper – if you want the true Trinity Ball experience, you have to be willing to suffer for it. If going outside isn’t an option for you right now, then taking a cold shower, fully clothed, before proceeding to miserably nod your head to Rejjie Snow creates a similar effect.
Lose Your Friends
Luckily, the coronavirus has done most of the work here. Quarantining is actually a relatively good recreation of Trinity Ball because it means you just never see your friends. Throughout the course of the night try texting them asking them where they are or giving them the occasional phone call, ensuring to play music in the background that will drown out your shouts inquiring after their location. If you all want to get in on the fun together, why not put together a schedule in a spreadsheet with a timetable of who to ring at what time? The only rule is that no one must ever answer.
Toilet Queue
This requires recruiting some willing extras if you really want the full glory of this aspect of the night, but if those aren’t to hand you can get a diluted effect by locking yourself out of your own bathroom for about half an hour. Make sure to complain loudly about how cold it is. If you do manage to levy a few agreeable individuals, assign them to stand in front of you to play one of the much-loved roles making up the cast of the Trinity Ball Portaloo queue, including but not limited to: the undercover Garda, the crying girl and the guy who you’re in one tutorial with who thinks you need to hear about how coming up at the ball is his own personal form of spirituality.
Listen to Music You Don’t Even Like
Don’t take this opportunity to get dressed up and drink and dance to music you actually enjoy. No, tonight is Trinity Ball night, which means that you must know the words to maximum three songs, and even then you should mumble the verses and only confidently sing along to one or two lines during the chorus. Trinity Ball is all about listening to an hour-long set of an artist you wouldn’t dream of going to otherwise, so grow up, cop on and stick on Tinie Tempah’s entire discography on Spotify. You’re not allowed to skip any songs – that would be cheating.
