In true Piranha fashion, the Piranha Hustings of 2025 was quite the spectacle.
Founded in 1978, The Piranha is a student-run newspaper that is self-described as “the home of ankle-biting satire from the murky depths of Trinity College Dublin”. During the week, The Piranha’s latest issue, entitled ‘RON’, found itself circulating around campus.
In the moments approaching 6pm on Friday 21st February the Pav was in high spirits as an evening of chaos, comedy and questioning was set to commence. All eighteen TCDSU Sabbatical election hopefuls were in attendance, ready to be ruthlessly grilled by the editors of the satirical newspaper before a sizable and enthusiastic crowd.
Or should I say nineteen candidates: RON himself was positioned stage right for the duration of the hustings, taking the form of a picture of a piranha attached to a box, that (to the amusement of the audience) actually made noise. RON stands for Re-open the Nominations; a voting option that will be on every election ballot. However for The Piranha, RON means so much more. Friday night’s hustings saw RON as the newspaper’s mascot, political endorsement and, well, comedic crutch.
The evening began with the declaration “Praise be to RON”, to which the crowd unanimously replied “All hail”. To be described as nothing other than cult-like in nature, this exchange was followed by the proclamation, “In the name of the Piranha, and the RON, and the Holy Spirit, Amen”. And with that the hustings began.
Despite the microphones, voices were hard to hear.
Anomalous to other hustings throughout the week, the Piranha hustings objectively lacked all seriousness.
The UT Editor candidates gave elevator pitches, and those in the Oifigeach na Gaeilge race read out The Piranha’s very own sraith pictiúr: ‘Mearbhall i gColáiste na Tríonóide’.
The Entertainment Officer segment was full of entertainment, as one would expect.
Within moments of sitting down, the four candidates were shotgunning X-Lite cans. The audience then eagerly watched as John O’Hara and Finn Hallwood battled it out in an arm wrestling match. Ultimately, O’Hara emerged victorious. Yuv Garg got an enthused reaction to his impromptu beatboxing performance and the audience expressed great excitement for the prospect of a potential female Ents Officer at the mention of Orla Norton’s candidacy.
Next to the floor came uncontested Communications and Marketing candidate Channing Kehoe, who was told; “You will be writing the emails that nobody reads, but as a candidate you should be reading them”. Kehoe was quizzed on the most recent email sent by current Officer Beth Strahan to see if they actually knew of its content. A series of poorly answered questions determined that no, they ironically did not.
The Welfare and Equality race candidates took to the spotlight next to name as many STDs as they could, and followed by them were the Education Officer hopefuls who tested how educated they actually were through a series of College-related questions.
The presidential candidates were introduced by the current President Jenny Maguire. In an unprecedented display, jaws were on the floor as Maguire made out with Education Officer Eoghan Gilroy on her way to the microphone: if there’s any place for unhinged and scandalous behaviour, it seems a Piranha event is it.
Introducing Patrick Keegan, Seán Thim O’Leary and Giovanni Li, Maguire expressed, “It is often said that people who run after you dictate your impact. It seems my impact has been to set back the women’s movement twenty years”.
Maguire poked fun at the three candidates, acknowledging Keegan’s Sinn Féin idol Gerry Adams, O’Leary’s extensive use of the word “lobbying” in their manifesto and Li’s diplomat father. The audience was reminded by Maguire: “Just because Giovannis a first year, it doesn’t mean anything because his dad is a diplomat”.
Seán Thim O’Leary reviewed a selection of condoms, Patrick Keegan decided that counties Down and Derry should get first priority for Irish reunification, and Giovanni Li examined a tobacco sample, just shortly after he declared “up the RA” into the mike – which took the room by great surprise indeed.
And so, the hustings ended full-circle with a “Hail RON”, bringing to a close a night to be remembered – or rather – impossible to forget.
