Anonymous | Contributing Writer
Back in 2011 when I was 16 I had a part-time job in the newsagents 5 minutes from my house. I had been working there for 6 months when it was held up by robbers. Having a claw hammer held to your head certainly changes you. I never went back to my job. Then began the nightmares and what this blog is ultimately about- my paranoia. I became too scared to walk down my road even in broad daylight. I was constantly looking over my shoulder and any young man was one of the robbers coming to eliminate the only eye witness. The paranoia then extended to other areas of my life. My friends had been fantastic when they found out what had happened but after a few weeks and I was still suffering from what was eventually diagnosed as Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, I thought they were sick of me. I felt as if they were all talking behind my back about how stupid I was being. I just couldn’t wrap my head around the fact that they would be doing this, as PTSD is a very common and serious mental health condition. It wouldn’t exactly help me to feel better, would it? But one of my friends did tell me that I should look into the benefits of CBD to see if that would be a treatment route worth taking as, apparently, it has been known to help with problems like this. I don’t know what it was though, but in the end, I decided against the idea.
My job offered to pay for counseling so in January I started talking to someone. At first, I hated it. I felt like I was being silly and stupid but my counselor helped me through it all and within weeks I wasn’t looking over my shoulder anymore and after a few months, the sight of a group of lads walking towards me down the road didn’t make me want to cry. My nightmares stopped and I began to feel happy again. It didn’t go away completely but every week it got better and better until I never really thought about it again- until last May.
We had been dismissed from school and it was the middle of the two weeks we had off before the Leaving Cert began- so obviously I was very stressed. One afternoon I was home alone upstairs in my room studying when I heard some loud noises. I was used to this since the walls of my house are paper thin and you can hear my next-door neighbors doing anything, but it was times like this that my paranoia acted up. I told myself in my head over and over “no one’s trying to break in” but then I heard the sound of something metal hitting off the wooden floor in my kitchen. I froze and thought “ok that was definitely in the house. The thing is when you get into this state of mind, you know you’re being silly but you can’t help but panic and exaggerate what’s happening. In my head, I thought “if there is someone in my house they don’t think I’m here”.
Having a claw hammer held to your head certainly changes you. I never went back to my job.
I sat for about 10 minutes in my room crying, staring at my bedroom door, listening out for anything and debating whether or not to call the gardaí. I was 50% sure there was someone in the house and like I said when you’re in that state, your mind plays tricks on you and misinterprets sounds. Eventually, I didn’t know what to do so I called my brother at work. I must’ve given him a heart attack when I called in tears and whispering that I thought there was someone in the house. He begged me to stay in my room and to call the Gardaí. Talking to him calmed me down a lot and I got some courage. So while on the phone to him I opened my bedroom door loudly hoping to scare away anyone who might be there. I stood at the top of my stairs and shouted that I was calling the guards hoping that if there was someone there that I would hear an ‘oh crap’ or something to that effect. I didn’t hear a thing so I did what you’re never supposed to do in a situation like this- I went downstairs. My brother was shouting at me on the phone but at this stage, I knew there couldn’t have been anyone there and I got into the kitchen and of course- no one was there and all the doors and windows were intact. I calmed down and my brother said he was glad I was ok but that even if I was in doubt I should’ve just called the guards. After I hung up I saw a pair of jeans on the ground by the kitchen table. They had fallen off a chair and the metal belt buckle had hit off the ground which is what I had heard. I felt so stupid.
I was 50% sure there was someone in the house and like I said when you’re in that state, your mind plays tricks on you and misinterprets sounds.
I struggled to sleep that night and didn’t fall asleep until the sun came up. The next few weeks flew by as I did the Leaving Cert and then a few days after I finished I went to France with my parents so I didn’t have any time to think nearly. Then I came back and I was faced with a whole month and a half of waiting for my results and CAO offers. I fell into the typical summer routine of waking up at 2 pm and going to sleep at 4 am after being on Netflix for hours. One night while I was trying to fall asleep, again I thought I heard something. Again I thought someone was trying to break in but I knew in reality that no one was. The situation wasn’t helped by the fact that my house is one of the only houses in existence that doesn’t have any alarms. So I stayed in bed with my eyes wide open and being too scared to move until the sun came up and I heard my Dad wake up for work. This started a nasty routine of waking up at 2 pm and not falling asleep until 7 or 8 am. Every night I would be in bed too scared to move or sleep thinking “well I was wrong last night and no one broke in but what if it happened tonight!” I essentially became my family’s house alarm.
I began to feel very lonely too as my friends were all getting ready to go on their 6th year holiday that I couldn’t afford to go on. My low point came while my friends were away. This time a bird or something must have flown into the back door because it was enough to get me out of bed. I sat halfway down my stairs right beside where the kitchen door was, sobbing silently trying to make out if I was hearing voices or if my sleep-deprived paranoid mind was making them up. I knew then that I couldn’t go on living like that. Since my brother had been nice about what had happened in May I told him. We worked it out together that I began getting paranoid and scared around 3 am when everyone else was asleep. So I began going to bed at 10 pm and I woke up at 9 am to ensure I could sleep the next night. When I was alone in the house I would bring my laptop downstairs and stay down there.
And it worked. I began to become fully energized again since I was sleeping again. Sometimes I’d have one or two nights in a row when I became paranoid but everything began to get better. Now I feel comfortable talking about it to my close friends and they tell me that I should’ve talked to them. It’s crazy how talking and working out how to deal and cope with your problem, can help you so quickly. 2 months ago I wasn’t falling asleep until 7 am and now I don’t have that problem anymore. I’m still getting over what happened this summer and I still don’t like being left alone in the house, but I have worked out what triggers me and I do my best to avoid putting myself in those situations.
I hate to sound preachy but if I hadn’t talked to my brother I never would have worked out what triggers me on my own. So if you suffer from paranoia or panic attacks or any mental health problem, talk to someone. Yes it’s scary to open up to someone especially when you feel you’re being stupid but feeling scared and paranoid is a legitimate problem and if someone tells you that you’re being silly- you’re not. Please talk to someone because you can get over this.
Illustration by Alicia Mitchell
