Conor O’Donovan | Resident Satirist
The, slightly later than usual, announcement of Sunday opening hours in the BLU garnered a delirious response from students. “This means I can take Mondays off” enthused an SS History student. Library staff declined to comment on whether their announcement was hastened by an anonymous hacking leading to the replacement of the Fast Lane demonstration video with the 1998 film Any Given Sunday. Just last month, the search for a desk on a Sunday afternoon led a group of students to pose as Scan Soc members in order to infiltrate the society’s Ikea trip. It emerged the students, all in their Junior Sophister year, intended to occupy some display models of the popular Malm design. Overall, it appears students are unwilling to compromise when it comes to time management.
As the College’s current five-year Strategic Plan comes to an end, many are wondering what’s next for Trinity. It initially emerged the College will be taking a firmer stance on “inflexibility” on the part of the student population, pertaining mainly to missed classes. The announcement came as part of a statement made by a spokesperson for the Provost’s office. While it was generally understood the Praeposital Poster Paints Portrait session had run over, many speculated his absence would be contentious, had there been a greater turn out. When word about the substance of the announcement did circulate the Regent House evening Pilates class was moved into Front Square in protest.
Library staff declined to comment on whether their announcement was hastened by an anonymous hacking leading to the replacement of the Fast Lane demonstration video with the 1998 film Any Given Sunday.
The College maintains the proximity of this protest to the Provost’s second announcement of the week, this one made in person, is incidental. In a significant change to the, as yet unannounced, forthcoming Strategic Plan, the Provost announced a new “real-time” approach to timetabling. From next week, students will swipe their student card upon entering campus and once a certain threshold is reached classes will begin, with rooms being allocated by staff “in the field.” The Provost, who was also unveiling his latest poster paint likeness, said he hoped this new approach would bring students and the College’s administrative together in a time where “a limber, flexible college community is far from certain.”
Though the move seems unorthodox, absenteeism is rife in many faculties. “What is the student body if not a multiplicity of independently thinking student bodies,” remarked a wistful SF student after a particularly poorly attended Physiology lecture during the week. Far from condemning such stances, for at least two years the School of Philosophy has conducted research into whether “merely timetabling” classes is enough to force them to materialise. The published thesis notes the study has yielded “discouraging results” regarding attendance of students and staff, although the data mainly pertains to how present participants were in a phenomenological sense.
Trinity Communications have confirmed a specific Twitter handle, @TCDclassqueries, is in place to deal with timetabling matters. They have since maintained they will not be altering the handle, despite “deliberately misleading tweets” made by the Socialist Workers’ Student Society. When questioned on the matter the Provost declined to comment, but underlined the importance of stretching regularly. Rumours suggesting that the Trinity Communications demonstrational video will have a Yogic theme have caused much consternation: Du Fish Soc are believed to be preparing a series of pamphlets presenting Cod Liver Oil as a viable alternative in maintaining a limber physique. The society continue to deny they are receiving donations from Seven Seas, maintaining that such a sponsorship would contradict their refusal to recognise the Adriatic.
Fish Soc have also been at the forefront of efforts to reverse the traditional decline in society activity towards the end of Hilary term. The “Better Than a Slap in the Face with a Wet Fish” advertising campaign for this year’s Phistery tour has been deemed dangerous, however: in the past week, the Medical office has reported numerous cases of bruising “consistent with trauma suffered in patients who have been beaten with an adult carp.” D.U. Geography Society have been less literal, but ultimately less successful, in their efforts: their new “No OS” nights, which promise “uncoordinated fun” as well as the “continental shift,” were announced on Tuesday to little fanfare.
DU Fish Soc are believed to be preparing a series of pamphlets presenting Cod Liver Oil as a viable alternative in maintaining a limber physique
Amidst fears that the new timetabling methods may mean classes extend into the summer, the Global Room has undertaken a number of independently financed renovations. A simulator that offers students the experience of travel on a number of prominent European railway lines will open in June. “The simulator will have three settings: first class, second class and luggage compartment,” a source in the office revealed. Efforts are also being made by both the Global Room and Trinity Explore to provide students with campus internship opportunities over the summer months. The first role to open applications is a four-week programme exploring marketing solutions to Buttery goulash. The post requires at least a Masters degree.
In the short term it certainly appears that College life is set to change radically, as Trinity undergoes an administrative upheaval the scale of which is usually reserved to the summer months. However, it seems the culture that exists in Trinity, as in many other academic institutions, of associating certain activities with certain times of the week and year seems set to die out. Perhaps the best way to deal with the situation is be flexible when setting aside time to do one’s stretches.
