The lesser-known Norman Conquest
Jack Leahy
Sports Editor; @Jack_Leahy
Goalkeeper: Norman Conquest
Born in 1915 in New South Wales, Conquest earned 11 caps for Australia and was posthumously inducted into Football Federation Australia’s Hall of Fame in 2002. Apart from his history-rich name, he is most famous for his involvement in a 17-0 defeat to an England XI in 1951. At least this Norman Conquest was a tale of English victory…
What a Ponce
Right-back: Waldo Ponce
Linked with Premier League side Wigan last year, Chilean hard-man Ponce has been included in his less-favoured right-back slot. When you read on, you’ll see why he was bumped. A very important player in a blossoming Chilean side, Ponce’s reputation as a no-nonsense stopper is undermined by his unfortunate combination of surname and Christian name.
Centre-back: Have-a-look Dube (c)
Southern Africa is a hotbed of this kind of phenomenon, and it was truly difficult to pick just one centre-half with a hilarious name. Dube, who plies his trade in his native Zambia for Njube Sundowns, has populated many a similar list, and quite rightly takes the captaincy for the most ridiculous of them all. This kind of name really makes you wonder if people give appropriate consideration when applying a life-long title to their offspring.
Centre-back: Danny Shittu
We can’t even blame the parents for this one. Currently plying his trade for QPR in the Premier League having arrived in our lives to enable immature puns everywhere in 2006 with Watford. It’s almost too easy for opposition fans, with your bog-standard toilet humour flying from the stands every week.
Throwing a wobbly
Left-back: Gareth Jellyman
We’ve all seen Chris Kamara miss Anthony Vanden Borre’s red card live on air, but Soccer Saturday’s second most famous moment involved this much-travelled defender. ”Looks like Jelleyman’s thrown a wobbler” declared presenter Jeff Stelling on hearing that Jellyman had been sent off while playing for Mansfield Town in 2009, and so viral was the quote that Stelling later titled his autobiography ”Jellyman’s thrown a wobbler”. Jellyman has had no fewer than five clubs in the last two years, so even jelly has a greater consistency.
Right-midfield: Segar Bastard
How unfortunate. This guy really needed an unspectacular first name so as to not exacerbate his titular difficulties, and I’m not entirely convinced ‘Segar’ does it. As if the poor lad didn’t have things pretty bad, he played for both West Ham and England, albeit at the end of the more strange name-friendly 19th century.
Emmanuel Frimpong
Centre-midfield: Emmanuel Frimpong
Sounds more like a mallow-based sugary children’s snack than a central midfielder. We’ve all been introduced to Arsene Wenger’s latest prodigy this season as he seeks to find a replacement for the deceptively ridiculously-named Cesc Fabregas. The product of his child-like temperament and surname is widespread difficulty in being taken seriously.
Centre-midfield: Charlie Oatway (to his friends)
I know what you’re thinking, hardly an odd name. Then, consider that his real name is Anthony Philip David Terry Frank Donald Stanley Gerry Gordon Stephen James Oatway. His parents, aware that they weren’t the ones who had to carry this burden for life, decided to name him after QPR’s 1973 starting XI. A semi-respectable website claims that the pseudonym ‘Charlie’ came about after his grandmother protested that such a name would render the newborn ‘a proper Charlie’. I hope that’s true. Now a coach at Brighton & Hove Albion.
Left-midfield: Danny Invincible
Ironically, a painfully average player. He forged a decent career with Kilmarnock in the SPL before disappearing off the face of the earth having failed to secure a post-trial contract with Celtic. Not so Invincible now, eh?
Striker: Creedence Clearwater Couto
This guys is by no means a Fortunate Son. I hope you’re Proud, Mary Couto. Best I can do in terms of Creedence puns. Brazilian players are traditionally known by pseudonyms, so WHY ON EARTH DID THIS GUY NOT GET ONE? He’s definitely the most famous player currently wandering the lower breaches of the fourth league in Brazil, and not for the football. The man himself puts it best:
“People often think that it’s a nickname, but it’s not. It’s my real name, and it’s on my birth certificate. It’s difficult to write, even harder for Brazilians to pronounce, so they sometimes revert to calling me Paulista because it’s easier. And most youngsters today have never heard of the group, so I often have to repeat my name several times. The only thing that I regret is that some people are more interested in me because of my name than because of my qualities as a footballer.”
Warning: When searching Google Images, always use his first name too
Striker: David Goodwillie
The man whose recent transfer to Blackburn inspired a fresh interest in hilariously unfortunate surnames, it’s fitting that Blackburn’s Scottish striker is leading the line. It’s a shame that he never got to play with André Muff; from what I know, they’re a natural pairing.
Manager: Wolfgang Wolf
Funny enough itself, but even better when you remember that the former Kaiserslautern man once managed Wolfsburg.
