Front square on the Monday of Freshers' week. Why did you think this would be a good idea?
Jack Cantillon
Spoofer-in-Chief
You got the points, you found accommodation and you’ve arrived at the university of your dreams, Trinity College Dublin. You’re pretty smug now aren’t you? Well, I’ve got news for you. You’ve made a terrible, terrible mistake. You should have gone to UCD.
“It’s Trinity Ball, that’s why I picked Trinity”. I know you don’t want to party until the wee hours of morning, wearing slick formal wear with some of the biggest names in music. You want to see third rate pop stars sing in a field for twice the price you’d normally pay. You want to roll around in muck with agricultural science students and talk about tractors. You want a ball that got cancelled last year because the Ents officer ate the headline act. You want UCD ball. You don’t want a fire eating, snake charming, tuxedo wearing, champagne drinking, best night of your life, every year, for four years. You want a boogie with the boggers. You should have gone to UCD.
“It’s the societies, that’s why I picked Trinity”. We have shit societies. I mean sure, if you want the widest range (105 at last count) and most active student societies in Ireland you’re in the right place but that’s not what you want. What you really want is in UCD. You want a Literary Society that just did a fascinating analysis on that classic work of serialised fiction, the Mr Men series. You want a Glasgow Celtic Supporters Society. Okay, well I think you get why that hasn’t taken off just yet here. You want a Maths Society, who just ran a hugely successful lecture series entitled, “The Analogue Clock: Your friend, not your foe”. All our societies do is spend copious amounts on alcohol, organise the best trips of your life and let you meet life long friends who share the same interests as you. You should hop on the next 39A to society utopia. You should have gone to UCD.
“It’s the location, that’s why I picked Trinity”. Look around, what were you thinking? Okay, so if you said where is city centre Dublin, you’d probably say right outside our front door. And fair enough, we’re the easier college to get to by public transport. And I’ll admit, we might be a tad bit closer to every shop, every restaurant and every club in Dublin. But, you want what UCD has, a concrete jungle in the middle of a nowhere with a seriously banging bus stop. Imagine how slick you’d feel walking in there everyday? Instead you’ve to make do with the heart of the city centre, 400 years of history and one of the most beautiful campuses in the world. Fuck your life. You should have gone to UCD.
“It’s the reputation, that’s why I picked Trinity”. You hate being in the top 100 universities in the world. It’s so shit. You want to be, I don’t know, 135th. Who comes there? Must check that. There is nothing more awkward then saying you go to one of the best universities in the world. What you want is mediocrity. There’s nothing awkward there. You’re bang in the middle, commonplace, run of the mill, an average Joe. UCD students go above and beyond in their pursuit of being absolutely the same as everyone else. Why be the best at something when you can be glorious second best? You should have gone to UCD.
“It’s the people, that’s why I picked Trinity”. Remember that UCD mate of yours that told you we were all a bunch of obnoxious, cravat wearing, satchel carrying, bastards? Yeah, he was right. We’re complete utter pricks. What you want is empty platitudes and mindless conversations on the benefits of looking like a can of Fanta in attracting the opposite sex. You don’t want stimulating discussions where you can actually speak your mind. That’s just Trinity bender talk. We’re the kind of pricks that if we see you’re lost, we don’t send you the wrong way to teach you a lesson (like, a complete focking ledge) but actually direct you to where you want to go. What dickhead does that? You want people not afraid to take a stand, like the students of UCD, who erupted in anger at the closure of their libraries. They had no more books to colour in. You should have gone to UCD.
“It’s the job prospects, that’s why I picked Trinity”. UCD graduates have proven themselves time and time again to be superior in the sectors that are just crying out for employees: Advanced Basket Weaving, Jam Making for Beginners and Colouring Between the Lines: The Improver. How are you meant to compete in the job market with a UCD graduate who can weave a good basket? It’s knowledge economy and you’re being left behind one well woven basket at a time. You should have gone to UCD.
“It’s the craic, that why I picked Trinity”. We’re no craic. All we have is Ents nights out and society get togethers every night of week. You don’t want a close knit college community. Take it from me, the best time of your life is overrated. You want a college community where you don’t know anybody apart from your mates from home. You want to be able to sit in a lecture hall and not know a sinner to sit beside. You want an Ents crew too inept to organise a headliner in time for their own ball. You should have gone to UCD.
What were you thinking? You’ve made a terrible mistake. You don’t want to spend the best four years of your life in one best universities on the planet, you want to spend it in a soul destroying degree factory. Wipe that smug grin of your face, you Trinity wanker. You should have gone to UCD.
