It appears Michael Schumacher (41) has gone senile in his old age. He’s signed to a new contract to drive for Mercerdes-Benz for the next three years, presumably in the safety car. Schumacher won the F1 driving championship seven times, which, compared to Lance Armstrong’s five Tour-de-France wins, shows the German is well hard. Hey Lance, bikes don’t even go that fast! Pussy.
Formula One is renowned as the world’s fastest form of advertising and one of the few sports that nerds can enjoy too. Just look at that engine. Hot stuff. Personally, I’ve grown less fond of the sport since Schumacher left. Back then, you didn’t have to worry about the result. You knew Schumacher was going to win, so you could spend your time talking about the tyre composition and the new aerodynamic something or other. It was like 2 hour display of how good your engineers were. “Did you see how much we’ve improved our car? We finished in 321.7834 seconds behind Schumacher compared to 322.2482 seconds last race. Suck it, Honda.”
But sadly those days are gone and now annoying young British drivers are winning a lot of races. Not that they are themselves annoying per say (except Hamilton, he’s clearly a prick) but it makes the BBC commentators irritating as hell. “Jenson Button is driving a fantastic race today!” No, he’s not. He’s in 8th place. “He’s probably remembering his amazing victory last month in Brazil.” Shut up, he’s going at 248 miles per hour. All he’s remembering right now is how to not die.
Schumacher retired from Formula One in 2006 after losing a race and breaking the curse put on him by some witches during his childhood.* He then set up a premium taxi service, offering travel times so low that the Taxi Union of Germany, Luftaxikabahn, revoked his licence. There were also allegations of racism, something that German taxi drivers strongly disapprove of.** Michael then went on to achieve a small but devout following as a pop singer, with his song “Love at 248 MPH” charting at #23 in the German charts.*** After a prolonged battle with testicular cancer, Schumacher eventually got back on his bike and won his sixth Tour de France in 2008.
Now that the ill-fated Brawn GP team has been bought out by Mercedes-Benz, it’s looking like next year’s Constructors’ Championship will be even more hotly contested than ever, particularly with Schumacher on board. Most Mercedes-Benz cars on F1 circuits have been the saloons used as Safety Cars that led the rest of the cars around the track when there’s been a particularly awesome crash. Then a safety lap is performed, so everyone can slow down and have a look. How Schumacher intends to keep up with the F1 cars in such a bank manager’s car with fold down seats and full air conditioning is yet to be seen. At least the seats will be better for his back. It is likely he will implement some of the skills he learnt during his tenure at Klaus’s Kabs, such as how to take ‘shortcuts’ and how to piss off everyone else on the road. Particularly cyclists.
And another thing that concerns me about the snooker is how does the table know which is the white ball? If you paint all the balls white does that mean you can have infinite games for the price of one? Is it worth the extra cost of paint, brushes, etc? And will an uneven coat impede on play? Snooker tables are at the best of times slightly unlevel. Also who decided green was the correct colour for a field of play? Almost all games are played on something green, and frankly I’m a bit worried this runs deeper than any of us suspect.
Now if David Bowie was a sport, than maybe the overall atmosphere of sporting events would be more friendly and more enthralling, with it’s awesomeness. I mean the hair cuts alone would bring up the rep of sport on their own, sans head. I mean that opening riff to ‘Rebel, Rebel’ has done more for the excitement of sports events through its use in advertising alone than any game I’ve ever seen. The atmosphere created at even the best of sports events is only barely comparable to the atmosphere created by, let’s say ‘Warszawa’ or ‘Sense of Doubt.’ If fact I can’t imagine any display of athletic prowess that wouldn’t be dramatically improved by the production of Brian Eno. The energy that Bowie can exert on stage, without breaking his cool, is impressive to say the least and terrifying to say more than that.
At the end of the day I think we can all agree that if David Bowie was a sport, at least the chants wouldn’t be so rubbish.
* This is not true, and yes, it was the same witches that were in ‘Hamlet.’
** This is also not true.
*** Unfortunately, this one is true.
