Sure, it's like this in the morning, but what happens when the other housemates find out?
Rory O’Donovan
Features Editor
The bond between housemates is often an unspoken one. A mutual tolerance habitually emerges that is unconsciously but sincerely appreciated by all parties. Food is shared, a bathroom is shared, parties, stories, money, feelings, clothes, cigarettes … Those more experienced in the house or apartment-sharing field would, if they were being honest with themselves, accept that they have come to appreciate certain knowledge of how to choose a ‘good’ housemate. Even those who have only had positive experiences with housemates know – from visiting other houses, from hearing the stories – that they have been extremely lucky. Good housemates often are, or become, great friends.
What happens when this sacred bond is defiled? What happens when the bond is obscured to the extent that it is no longer a bond at all, but an uncomfortable divide? What happens when you do the unthinkable and fall into bed with the one person you are definitely fairly sure you shouldn’t do that with? I spoke to Trinity students about their experiences with the often fateful crossing of that critical line …
Marina* began by telling me about her relationship with Chris* when they first moved in together in second year: ‘I became friends with Chris early on in first year and we always got along well. When he and another male friend approached myself and a girlfriend and asked if we would like to live with them in second year, it was a no-brainer. The first few months were great. We all got on with each other’s friends and were spending a lot of time together. Chris and I actually weren’t becoming closer, if anything I was getting along better with the other two.’
But just before the Christmas holidays, Marina and Chris ended up getting a taxi home together after a friend’s birthday party. ‘We had had a great night with all of our friends and exams were done. When Chris suggested a nightcap I gladly agreed and we sat down at the kitchen table. Half a bottle of whisky later we had worked through a whole host of disturbingly personal topics. We had discussed our bitterness towards our relevant ex’s at length. When he leant in to kiss me at five in the morning, I didn’t stop him. We went upstairs and spent a surreal and, if I’m being honest, wholly awkward night together. I took an early train home the next day and we didn’t speak over the Christmas holidays.’
‘When we returned, things seemed relatively normal for a week or so. I got the impression he, like me, had told a couple of close friends, but the other two in the house didn’t yet know. There was a moment when I believed the whole thing would be forgotten. Then after another night out, Chris and I were again the last two up. As soon as we were alone he tried to kiss me, and when I stopped him, he began telling me at length how much he liked me. I didn’t really know what to say, I certainly didn’t feel the same way. I made my excuses and went to bed.’
‘The weeks that followed were excruciating to say the least. Our other housemates found out, and whilst, at first, their reaction was one of amusement, as an uncomfortable atmosphere began to develop between Chris and myself, they began to resent us (mainly me) for having hooked-up. I remember one of them saying to me after another awkward dinner in early-March “there is a reason why people say don’t sleep with your housemates”.’
‘When I met the guy who is now my boyfriend, Chris’s attitude changed. Whereas before he had occasionally attempted to broach the subject of our relationship becoming more meaningful, and generally acted like the victim, he suddenly became snide and hostile towards me. He would stew in his room for days on end and then pass comments that would sometimes have me in tears. The year ended on a sour note as Chris moved out first, claiming he “couldn’t live with me any longer” and the other two became explicit in blaming me for the whole affair. I still see the girl sometimes, but I haven’t heard from or seen Chris or the other boy. I think it would be fair to say I wouldn’t recommend doing what I did. It seems the repercussions are not unlike those reserved for perpetrators of incest.’
Frank*’s depiction of his domestic dynamic is a very different one. He moved in with two female friends at the last minute, before starting his third year. ‘I had nowhere to live and they needed someone to help with the rent. It was certainly done for convenience, but I was actually friends with the two of them. It was a tiny apartment and I shared a room with one of the girls.’ Frank proceeded to tell me how, during the course of the year, he ended up in bed with not one, but both of his housemates – ‘not at the same time though,’ he was quick to confirm, ‘that would have been weird.’
‘In the space of a fortnight I had pretty much the same experience with both of the girls. We were on a night out with friends, had shared a taxi back, and one thing had led to another. When it happened the first time, nothing was said afterwards and to be fair I don’t think either of us gave it much thought. But the second time it happened – with the girl I shared the room with – the other one came in, in the morning, and found us in the same bed. That was kind of awkward I think.’
This happened relatively early on in the college year and Frank tells me that he felt it didn’t really have a significant effect on the dynamic of the house: ‘We only really spent time together when we were drinking with friends, as we all had quite different timetables, so there weren’t many sitting-around-in-an-awkward-silence situations. A few times though, we were all watching TV together or something, and I did have to hide a grin or text someone to tell them how strange it felt. Drunkenly, it happened a few more times with my roommate, but it was rarely spoken of when we were sober and if it was, it was made a joke of. We all moved into different accommodation the following year. Though we’re perhaps not as close as we were before, I’m still friends with both the girls and see them occasionally.’
Whilst Frank and Marina both appeared to be ‘messers’, who I could imagine in the scenarios they described, I hope Darragh* will forgive me for saying that he seemed far more straight-laced. When I met him and he told me that he too had been involved in an awkward scenario with a housemate, I was curious to hear if it would be a scenario similar to Frank’s … it wasn’t. Darragh’s story is the only one I encountered that didn’t involve alcohol: ‘In second year, six of us moved in to a house together. We were all great friends, and, for the first half of the year, it seemed we were the perfect fit. One unusually sunny Saturday afternoon, Clare* and I were sitting in our garden. The rest of the house were away for the weekend and we had planned a quiet couple of days of lazing about in the sun and trying to get some college work done. That day we ended up having a serious and prolonged conversation about relationships … our past experiences, what we had seen happening amongst our friends. Out of nowhere, Clare asked if I had ever seen the two of us as more than friends. I was unsure as to how to answer. I certainly fancied her, but would never have done anything about it because we were friends, and, more importantly, housemates.’
‘I thought perhaps one of the lads had told her I liked her and she was about to let me down gently. But I decided to be honest and she said she felt the same! I don’t think either of us really knew what to do then. We didn’t kiss for the first time until much later that evening and didn’t have sex until weeks later. Gradually, she let the girls in the house know and I the boys. Everyone was happy for us.’
‘Whilst the first month or so was bliss, it quickly became clear that one major issue with our blossoming romance was the fact that we lived under the same roof, with a group of close friends. I think although we had both considered the repercussions amongst our friends due to us becoming a couple, neither of us had thought through the practicalities of being a new couple and living together. As well as natural feelings of claustrophobia and emerging irritations, our housemates all knew exactly what was going on between us at any given moment. The lads in the house were my closest friends and the girls hers and it was like they were living the relationship with us.’
‘It became clear that the situation couldn’t continue and, as neither of us wanted to move out, we decided to end our relationship, before it had begun really. The rest of the year – exams were shortly starting for everyone – seemed to fly by and we were both in different places for the summer, so we never gave it another go. We’re still friends and sometimes talk about ‘what might have been’. I think we’d both agree that in a lot of ways we regret it happening, as it has unquestionably changed our friendship – starting something like that when you live together amongst friends magnifies everything to the extent that it makes a ‘normal’ relationship impossible.’
I heard from countless others on the topic, both those involved and those who, due to the existence of a lease, became witnesses to the drama. Whether it would be unbiased to state that it appears the situation is one that is best avoided, I am not the one to say. It seems though one thing is for sure, when this aspect of domestic discomfort occurs, it’s certainly never dull.
*Names and some minor details have been altered to preserve interviewees’ anonymity.
