It’s the year 2050. Climate change is destroying all we know and “the Provost just used College money to purchase his tenth home, and now Trinity is finally bankrupt”. Water levels are rapidly rising and Trinity will soon be underwater, leaving only a single life raft. Which will survive, the Arts Block or the Hamilton?
The University Philosophical Society (the Phil) on Thursday night presented its annual Liferaft debate in the Graduates Memorial Building (GMB), where students and lecturers from various schools battle it out for their place on the raft. The evening began with Registrar James Johnson reading the minutes. Johnson effectively set the tone for the rest of the evening with a series of jokes about Provost Patrick Pendergrast – a common trend throughout the evening.
The first speaker of the evening was Sam Killian, representing law. He started by stating that he had been working on this debate for “one calendar year”. Killian briefly went through what you’ll need to do to the wood, such as removing “any knobs – so everyone in the Phil get out”.
Sarah O’Sullivan launched a stirring defence of the Arts Block from her vantage point as an English and drama student. O’Sullivan talked about the great work ethic of drama students – they will, she said, manage to purchase a life raft before the apocalypse. O’Sullivan then had to rush away before finishing the rest of her speech.
Prof Sylvia Draper from the School of Chemistry brought a Geiger counter to make sure she had time to speak. She said she was representing the Hamilton, and concluded by joking that arts students will always be left sitting on the fence, while “we float away on a raft”.
Enter Criosa O’Reagan, a student of maths and music, representing the arts. She had the audience in stitches from the moment she opened her mouth. Her comparisons prompted hilarity in the chamber – the Hamilton, she offered, is only good for its toilets.
Dr David Gregg, a lecturer in computer science, said he was just happy to be there: We tend not to get invited to these things … it is nice to get out though.” For Hannah Weir, a student of geography and political science, it was neither Hamilton nor Arts Block students we need to save, but the “angry Pav man” – who “is exactly who we need in a crisis”.
Michael McDermott, the founder of the infamous Trinity Collidge Facebook page, insisted that his fellow PhD students are used to hardships, and would “improvise, adapt and overcome”. In true McDermott fashion, he saved the best for last. “Based on the description of this debate, it’s Dublin in the year 2050 and 10 PhD students are cramped on a lifeboat. That’s the fanciest accommodation ever.”
Medical student Rían Hayes said early on that he had forgotten the nature of the debate, and instead had prepared a round of insults for the opposition, which he would use regardless. He emphasised for posterity that he was being “deliberately insulting”, starting off by stating that “medicine is the one true course” and continuing by advising Killian to Google “how to make a chicken fillet roll – because let’s face it, you’ll need some kind of employment”.
As expected, the evening was full of laughs, featuring some elaborate and well-constructed punchlines. To finish, the audience was asked to shout for who they believe should survive. It was a very close call, with the President of the Phil, Sorcha Ryder, having to ask the audience twice to shout for the victor, before it was eventually decided that the Arts Block should survive.
