College is a time where, for many people, newfound independence leads to a budding exploration of sex and sexuality. It’s jarring to go from very little sexual freedom, sneaking it where and when you can (if at all) to unbridled, and even encouraged, sexual liberation. Here are my do’s and dont’s: everything I wish I understood better back in first year, to entering the domain of sexual activity.
Do get out there. Figuring out what you want from sexual and romantic relationships is important, and the decisions you make are yours. Explore sex and sexuality, and find out what it is you want from subsequent relationships. In college, it’s a myriad of things – some are looking for their future life partner and others just want casual sex. Once you’ve nailed down what you’re looking for, honest communication with partners is substantially easier.
Don’t get too caught up in comparisons. Your new flatmate might be bringing home a new hookup several times a week. Your friend might look on aghast as you tell them you’ve bedded more people in the last month than they have in their life. It truly doesn’t matter – your sexual life (and health) is your own business, and you shouldn’t feel pressure to speed it up or slow it down simply because of those around you. Go at your own pace.
Do become familiar with consent frameworks. Trinity uses the FRIES model of consent for education, standing for Freely Given, Reversible, Informed, Enthusiastic, and Specific. Essentially, this means that you shouldn’t ever feel coerced or pressured into sex, you can withdraw consent just as easily as you can give it, every party should be aware of what it is they are consenting to, including the specific action, and sex should always be something you want. A good rule of thumb is, if you think any are absent, make a judgement call and leave it for the time being.
Don’t get too attached. You’ll meet a lot of people in the first few weeks of college that you will never see again, and probably never think of again. Even if your drunken snog in Workman’s feels like the start of a 90’s romantic comedy, it probably isn’t, and you probably didn’t meet your soulmate. Real connections build over time, and should be enthusiastically two sided, so don’t get too heartbroken mourning Tadgh from Lucan airing your text.
Do look out for each other. In college you’ll develop a brilliant sense of community with those around you, and that’s something you need to contribute to just as much. If you’re separating from your group or going to a secondary location, make sure a friend of yours has your location and can check in on you. If you see a friend, or even a stranger in danger, be willing to stand up and make sure they get home safe. Don’t be passive in vulnerable situations.
Don’t neglect your sexual health. With becoming sexually active comes a whole new set of things to keep in check – the most critical if you have multiple partners being regular STI checks, and at-home tests are accessible for free at sh24.ie. Pee after sex, don’t use scented or harsh products in your genital area, and wash your sex toys. There are also medical conditions that can make sex more difficult, or even painful, so if you notice anything getting in the way of you having a good time, speak to a doctor – you’re 100% not the first person to experience it.
Do prepare contraception in advance. If you aren’t yet sexually active but expect that you might want to be, carry condoms and/or dental dams and utilise the free birth control scheme. As long as you are an Irish resident with a PPS number between ages 17-35, you can access the pill, IUDs, injections, and various other methods of birth control free of charge. In case all else fails, or another method is ineffective, the morning-after pill is also included on this scheme (just make sure you take it as soon as possible!)
Don’t forget that sex should be pleasurable. We all have different needs, desires, turn-ons and turn-offs, and, despite a culture seeping back into conservatism that wants to shame us for enjoying the biological baby-making act, sex can improve your physical health, quality of sleep, reduce stress, and more. If you’re not enjoying something, speak up. Sometimes the only thing you need to do is get out of your own head, and sometimes you need to discuss with a partner ways to make the experience better.
Do communicate. It may seem awkward to tell a partner that you’re not enjoying what they’re doing, but it’s much worse being deceitful and letting someone think they’re meeting your needs when they simply aren’t. You know your anatomy and the best ways to please you, and any worthy sexual partner would be more than happy to get a few pointers, whether it’s to ask them to slow down or speed up, to focus more on a specific aspect of stimulation, or to clue them in to a fantasy you have, it all helps. You, as well, should return the favour.
Don’t overthink it. You’re in the prime of your life to figure out what you like and how you like it, and in one of the best settings to do it. Everyone is new to this, despite the feeling that you’re light years behind. Sex is a learning curve, and the first time (or first few times) are going to be clumsy, messy, and probably not that great. Showing care, talking openly and honestly, and tuning into what gets you off will make all the difference.
