Big happenings have been occurring in the field of athletics. Usain Bolt ran really really fast and Caster Semenya turned out to be a bit of a dude. In case someone gets offended by the hermaphrodite part of this article I’ll wait till the end, just so you get to hear about Usain Bolt. Now, I’m not one for glorifying people, but Usain Bolt is essentially God. If I had to put money on one person to deafen himself by running too fast and creating a sonic boom, it would be Usain. He ran 100 metres in 9.69 seconds. Gazelles don’t look nervous around waterholes because of cheetahs anymore. They get nervous because of Usain Bolt. Frankly, it’s be pretty shit to be any athlete right now other than Usain Bolt. Like, really. Only good thing about being an athlete now is getting to be parallel to Usain Bolt for two or three seconds, that is, until the pistol goes off. Then you just get to watch him become gradually smaller.
One athlete it’d be particularly rubbish to be right now is Caster Semenya. She won some race there a while ago and then everyone pointed out that she looked like a bloke. After gender verification tests were done, it was announced that she was ‘more or less a woman as she has male hormones, but definitely no wang.’ She is, as I read on The Guardian’s website, ‘intersexual.’ So I think it can be said that being part bloke is an unfair advantage in sport, but also an unfair disadvantage in life overall. It was also completely unsound of her parents to name Caster after a procedure which removes the balls. She was not castrated just so she could compete and to say so would be completely unacceptable.
This brings up an altogether more important issue and issues a deep philosophical question for the world of sport. Should ugly people be allowed compete with everyone else? Whatever else you can say about Caster Semenya, you can admit you wouldn’t bring her home to meet your parents. If school taught us nothing else, it taught us that as a general rule, munters are better at sports. Ugly people work harder to stay fit to compensate for their faces and thus have a distinct advantage over the naturally handsome. Survival of the fittest and all that. I think it’s time they had their own events. Imagine all the world’s ugliest people, all running really fast and jumping over things. I’m sure they’d be great. And imagine how many more people would watch the actual Olympics if you took all the mank athletes out. Obviously we’d have to lose a few sports like women’s weightlifting, but it’d easily be compensated by the increased interest in all the wet t-shirt events.
Another thing that I discovered recently was men’s hockey. This is a classic example of men not knowning their place. Traditional hockey is one of my favorite sports. Any sports with miniskirts is fine with me, but hockey takes it one step further by have players bend over a lot. Whilst basically being a posh rip off of hurling without all the mud and accents, hockey has managed to keep me vaguely interested for upwards of three minutes and is my third favorite thing on Setanta Sports after Formula One and ads. Recently, I spoke to a hockey player who was sitting down on a chair and she told me that men do now play hockey and she said they’re actually very good. Apparently a men’s hockey team would in fact beat a hockey team in a match. Well I hope they’re proud of themselves. They’ve managed to be better than women at a woman’s game. Bravo.
Now darts. Darts is a man’s game. Darts has grow in popularity as county council bylaws banning archery in pubs are being enforced with a heavier hand. It is a very abstract sport. Darts is one of few sports in which level of sobriety does not influence play. It is possible to improve your game in many ways, including putting on some weight and being incarcerated for a brief spell. An ugly wife may also help.
