by Cathal Wogan – Staff Writer
‘… And in comes Romeo, he’s moaning
“You belong to me I believe,”
And someone turns and says to him
“My friend you’d better leave,”
And the only sound that’s left
After the ambulances go
Is Cinderella sweeping up
On Desolation Row.’
– Bob Dylan, Desolation Row
The ‘cute-whore’ is a curious phenomenon indigenous to Catholic Europe. While Iberian and Eastern European cute-whores have, for the most part, fallen from influential political positions, three nations stand at a precipice. One of these nations, Russia (admittedly not of the traditional Catholicism of the other areas mentioned but of similar traditions socio-religiously), is represented by a rather special kind of cute-whore political system, where state control allows a certain comfort of self-preservation with regards to media scrutiny and oppositional potency.
In stark contrast to the Russian system, two nations now stand at a wonderful precipice where the fate of an old guard, a standard of cute-whore politicians, lies in the hands of the democratic collective. The Italian voting majority have, for a multitude of reasons best left for another day, stuck by Silvio Berlusconi but it now looks to be only a matter of time before the media magnate crumbles under the weight of his own indiscretions. The cute-whores of Irish politics have but six weeks.
The Irish cute-whore has, up to this point, been a consistently baffling creature. Invariably a male of middle age or older, the cute-whore has served his political apprenticeship in the service of a master-whore, or spin pimp, the Haughey-Ahern axis perhaps the most remarkable in our nation’s short recent history. The cute-whore looks after his constituents or is, at least, a fine talker in his sporadic visits to his local pub and/or brings extra sandwiches to sporting venues, ensuring that his seat in the Dáil or on the local council is never under threat. He exists within constant speculation of crooked dealings, but can never be pinned down due to his fluency in cute-whore-speak and party spin, knowing that he has the backing of regular voters.
With elections now set for March 11th, it stands to reason that the Irish voters might deem this the appropriate moment to exact revenge for what many have seen as the failings of Fianna Fáil’s tenure as the dominant party. That revenge is, of course, the right of the electorate. So what is the fate of Fianna Fáil’s after golden generations of cute whores? And what will be left after that?
The departures of prominent parliamentary members over the past number of years, most notably Bertie Ahern and his group of lads who always looked after the other lads (‘those swindling bankers and developers,’ according to Joe Bloggs) mean that established cute-whores are few and far between for Brian Cowen’s charges. Campaigns that previously never really had to be run, for example Bertie Ahern’s Fianna Fáil seat and Jackie Healy-Rae’s supposedly independent seat, now need to be leapt upon zealously if the most optimistic of speculators on the party’s future are to have their hopes realised. Perhaps the best that can be expected in terms of a numerical result for Brian Cowen’s successor, assuming he will not be the next Leader of the Opposition, is a minority where they blood new safe seats having held as many of those that have previously been safe as possible. Quiet targets for Fianna Fáil will include those identified as similarly aligned independents, including Michael Healy-Rae in the Kerry South constituency who is to contest the upcoming elections in place of his retiring father.
And what of our new government? It will most likely be led by Enda Kenny, a man who has spent so many years as Leader of what was deemed an unelectable opposition by the electorate, that his reign will begin like a bizarre pipe dream. Unfortunately, having spent so long in an impotent position, much of Fianna Fáil’s younger guns have matured trying to be Fine Gael’s new Fianna Fáil. With both groups borne from history rather than any credibly consistent ideological positions, relatively young TDs like Leo Varadkar, who will most likely hold a position in a new cabinet, will represent what lies as the failure of any ideologically vacant party; more cute-whores. One wonders, how can a party that has no intellectually formative lines of action or rhetoric than what they think will get them elected or keep them elected, produce anything other than aspiring cute-whores with spinning tongues?
Political inception! Michael Healy-Rae, effectively Fianna Fáil’s last cute-whore for the time-being, will walk into the Dáil and say, ‘this belongs to me,’ only for Leo Varadkar to respond, ‘my friend, its not to be.’ And the only sound that will be left, when Fianna Fáil’s staples have left, is Enda Kenny sweeping up, on Desolation Row.
