For: Desert Island Discs
Peter Twomey
I used to listen to a radio show called Desert Island Discs. Basically, it consisted of an acclaimed individual picking the records they’d want with them if they ever faced an eternity stranded on some distant tropical island. Having been coaxed into writing this article, defending my princess iPhone from the scornful dragon (sorry Aoife), it appears to be a perfect time to address this issue. If I ever woke up to discover myself weary bodied and covered in rags, stretched out on a distant sun drenched rock, there is only one thing that I’d want with me for a lifetime of solitary existence. And no, I don’t mean Wilson.
Steve Jobs, my hero
Last Monday, Aoife uttered some of the most disrespectful words that I’ve ever been forced to endure. She systematically laid in to her new iPhone 4 (Yes, she even has the best model!), branding it ‘useless’, ‘pointless’ and some other distasteful adjectives that I’d prefer not to disclose. She said she longed for her shitty old Nokia, the kind that’s sole achievement was keeping power long enough to allow for a half dozen tedious plays of Snake 2. Yet, as we all know, she is wrong. Nevertheless, it’s these types of phones that are what we turn to when we are looking at cell phones for older users due to their simplicity.
For some inexplicable reason, my colleague Aoife has under-estimated the immense power her unloved iPhone possesses. I get the feeling that she wants a phone for easy texting and little more. Alas, when you’ve as little friends as me, such features are little more than trivial. Instead what becomes truly important is the dizzying array of apps the iPhone has in abundance, the kind that shield away the nights of crippling loneliness. Where once I’d simply cry myself to sleep, now I can play Tiny Wings until my eyes (and fingers) literally collapse. Excellent!
And if masturbation is your thing, the iPhone has you more than covered. In the dark ages, suspicious teens would be forced to hide out in the family computer room, huddled over a stalling Dell to get their daily (hourly?) fix of Backdoor Sluts 9. Such a set up was all well and good until that horrifying moment every youth dreads, an unassuming parent walks in to find their gapping mouthed darling fapping furiously to some greased up whore. Not the most desired situation. Luckily, the iPhone ensures that no such circumstances could ever come to fruition. Instead, one can fap to their hearts content using the iPhone’s high-def display and wi-fi combo in the safety of a cosy bathroom. Hurrah!
Furthermore, there are apps to appease even the most stuck-up, pretentious dicks amongst you. The joys of Hipstomatic have meant that those dreary photos of your pasty, bloated carcass slouched next to a horse-faced girlfriend can now be transformed into ‘new age fun, with a vintage feel.’ You can kit your ugly pictures out with a Polaroid template and pretend that you are a mysterious bit-part actor in a Zoe Deschannel movie, instead of the truth – an unemployed 26-year old living with mum.
It is, however, difficult to delve into all of the innumerable advantages owning an iPhone brings. The ability to hide behind Superstar Baseball 2011 when a shock of social interaction confronts you, music to drown out the drone of conversations on bus journeys, constant email streams to make you look and feel important. I think if I ever had to face the rest of my life alone with only one possession for company, my iPhone would make a very fitting choice.
Against: The iPhone: The hot blonde of the mobile phone industry
Aoife Considine
Since my first 3210 back when I was in 6th class, my phone of choice has always been the shite nokia. They made and received calls and texts and that was all a phone needed to do in my eyes; my camera was my camera and my ipod was my ipod and sure what use would I have for the Internet when I was out and about? They were also indestructible, seriously, I’ve pushed most of my previous phones to the absolute brink of existence. Being an avid believer in the “bra pocket” on nights out has resulted in my poor telecommunication device being flung across the dance floor courtesy of my killer dance moves on many an occasion. You can then imagine my horror when for my 20th Birthday this year, my parents finally decided that enough was enough and that I was getting an iPhone. “That yoke you have’s no phone for a future engineer to be carrying around, and where’s the back of it? Is that held together with sellotape???” In fairness, it was held together with sellotape, the result of a dancefloor bra pocket projectile incident on this year’s infamous ski trip.
The future of Aoife's iPhone?
So there I was, brand spanking new iPhone 4 in my hands and not a clue how to use it. My brother you see is the technical one of the family, bringing with him on his recent travels around the world his iPhone, iPad, iPod, macbook pro and his SLR camera, oh and a shitty digital camera too, ‘cos you’d need all that while trekking through India. I’m convinced he’s going to buy himself the new iPad when he returns home too, despite it being a glorified iPod touch, but how and ever. Anyways, he was one of those wankers who got the iPhone when it was first released, and just so’s he could pretend to be even more of a dickhead, he bought it in Kuwait and spent the proceeding months unlocking and jail breaking it, whatever that means. Being an engineering student, I really should be the technology wizard of the family but when it comes to computers, some things are just beyond me, something that I fear will be reflected in my programming exam in May.
As if one iPhone in the family wasn’t bad enough, my dear father then decided he wanted one, but after about a week of trying to learn how to answer the damn thing, it was passed on to my other brother and after about a month, ended up “falling” into a pint on a night out and so our household was back to one iPhone. This was short lived however as father then decided, forgetting he’d ever had one before, that he wanted an iPhone. This time round, he bought the book of words to go with it. What kind of phone do you need an instruction manual for, and a thick one at that?! In fairness to him though, he has learned how to use it and has even, to my astonishment and slight embarrassment, discovered Angry Birds. On my last trip home he slyly took his phone out of his pocket in the living room, turned the volume up, put on angry birds, looked at me, laughed, and began to play. And people wonder where I get the strangeness from.
Anyways, long story short, I now have an iphone; my phone, camera, iPod and laptop all rolled into one hand held wondrous feat of engineering and technology. This is one of the greatest technological advancements of our time, revered in tech magazines worldwide and eagerly anticipated by the masses, given five stars in any reviews written about it and probably the most popular mobile telephone device in existence today; then why can I not walk along and text on it without bumping into things? I noticed this flaw in the iPhone the day I got it when, upon crossing the road to the Swan Centre in Rathmines, I walked head on into an unfortunate foreign man who was less than impressed with me. Since then, I’ve had encounters with bins, bushes, trees, bollards, buildings and a large contingent of people.
This guy seems quite pleased with his iPhone
This isn’t something that just happens to me either, a businessman walked straight into me on Grafton Street only yesterday as he was grappling with the QWERTY keypad on his shiny iPhone. With my Nokias, I had the ability to predictive text a perfectly grammatically correct and immaculately constructed sonnet in my pocket in the front row of a lecture without anyone being any the wiser. You have only to look at that iPhone “funny autocorrect” internet site to see that this is not the same case with our beloved iPhones. Yet still, we all have them. Why is a piece of equipment that lacks in such a simple requirement so popular among both the masses and the technical gurus of our time? Why has this fragile piece of equipment, prone to screen smash, been released into a world where it will inevitably be dropped onto cold, hard concrete? Luckily, there are plenty of great iPhone repairs companies, such as itech san diego, who can fix the screen if you do happen to drop your phone. The only reason I can think is that it’s shiny, and it really does look damn good.
The iPhone is the hot, dumb blonde of the mobile phone world; she’s sleek, slim and sexy, comes with lots of ad-ons and silicon, her sweet voice is like music to our ears, she reacts sublimely to the slightest of touch but by god she won’t be impressed if you fling her across the dancefloor.
