Rachel Lavin
Online Magazine Editor
I know, I know, it’s hard being a focking legend all the focking time. And Halloween is just another obstacle for you to overcome on your rise to becoming totally focking awesome. But fear not, here are a few quick simple steps to ensure that this Halloween you will catapult yourself to instant legendary status, and imprint your existence on Trinity folklore forever, through a series of repulsive, offensive and distasteful costumes. Who knows, they might name a lecture theatre after you, make you a scholar of the focking banter or even dedicate a facebook appreciation page to you for being such a True Lad (one you didn’t even have to create yourself.)
1. Muammar Gadaffi
What you will need:
- A Green Book you swear by.
- Well you can get rid of your Hitler costume for starters, there’s a new evil dead dictator in town. Yay for you!
- Carry an umbrella that you can ramble incoherently to yourself under.
- Female Bodyguards.
- Costume choices are highly varied, but you can just fling a sheet over your shoulder and sure, slap on the tan. Wear anything that looks vaguely middle-eastern to you, you know like Aladdin.
- Use an accent that sounds vaguely Arabian to you, you know, like Borat.
- You can alternate the idea to include other Arab dictators too! Sure get a group together! Try Ben Ali or Hosni Mubaraq whichever tickles your fancy. But don’t stop there, take out your trusty Osama Bin Ladin costume from all the way back in 2001! Topical, creative and resourceful? You’re an all-round funny top-guy, saving the planet too, one recycled distasteful costume at a time.
2. The ‘Joisy Showa’
What you will need:
- Sally Hansen, a few cans.
- Hairspray, a few cans.
- Ill-fitting tacky clothes-I’m afraid you’ll have to try Henry Street.
- An irritating accent, accentuated by your terrible impression and embellished with constant out of context use of buzz words in ordinary conversation like ‘smush’, ‘get it in’, ‘cabs aw heaya’ ‘t-shirt tiiime’ and occasionally shouting ‘SITUATION’ as you stroke your fake-tan contoured six-pack.
- If you feel you’re better at English accents why not try the ‘Geordie Shore’, or even closer to home ‘Hardy Bucks’.
- In fact screw glamourized television, just dress like your local friendly neighborhood knacker. Either way you’ll be lolling all the way to ‘da’ club because lower-socio-economic groups are hilarious…that is until you meet them outside said, ‘da’ club.
3. Dead popular Figures
What you will need:
- A heart of stone
- An insistence that Zombie Amy Winehouse/Steve Jobs/Steve Irwin is actually a really funny idea.
- Death-related props, be it something symbolizing an alcoholic addiction, say an empty shoulder of vodka, (that’s deep), an apple i-pad containing information on your terminal illness, or the straightforward plastic sting-ray. Yurt, Yurt, Yurt.
- Why not heighten your bad taste and adapt Option one! Get out the fake blood and go to your Halloween soiree as Zombie Muammar Gadaffi, or Zombie Osama Bin Laden. People will love you!
- Ignorance, so you can’t hear people telling you, you are a horrible person and sleep soundly that night knowing you’re an all-round funny top guy…creative too.
4. Ski Trip Boys
What you will need;
- Ski Gear
- A bag of your parents money
- Continuously refer to yourself as a total ledge, focking awesome, ledge-bag/box/mon. Suffix with ‘Cuz I’m a’ when asked why you’re acting like a douche.
- A mechanism that allows you to fling a blackberry great distances and reel it back for repetition, possibly involving a discreetly disguised fishing rod concealed on your body (optional, you may just bring several blackberrys to fling at your leisure, depending how close to the stereotype you are.)
- Fake money to burn, possibly just paper printed off the internet. (optional, you may just bring real money to burn at your leisure, depending how close to the stereotype you are.)
- An inability to let things go…but come on, it was legendary! And if you still disapprove you’re clearly just a jealous country peasant….speaking of….
5. UCD Student
What you will need;
- Just wear rags, like the country peasant you are.
- Possibly smear yourself with mud, or your own faeces.
- Talk in a culchie accent, merely anything outside of Dublin will do. I don’t know, you’ve seen Gone with the Wind, Just add a ‘hiddily-diddily ‘ to the end of every sentence. Talk about the farm, the bog, or the English landlords.
You may need to consult your Leaving cert History textbook to find out what life outside the pale is really like and go from there.
- Carry in one hand a stream of toilet paper, that says UCD degree, in the other your CAO list which you will occasionally look at, see, of course, first choice Trinity and burst into tears, come to terms with and then brood all night. Total character commitment, your friends will tell you you’re a focking legend the next day, trust me.
- Bring your Trinity student card, you know in case your fellow Trinity alumni actually believe you’re like totally apt impression of a UCD student. That would just be embarrassing.
- Warning; Bumping into a group of UCD students while wearing this costume may result in your inevitably deserved lynching, but trust me, it will be worth it for the lols.
With any one of these five simple costumes people will think you are great! . Remember you’re not just doing this for yourself, do it for Trinity, because although a minority, you help save our popular reputation of being ‘total focking legends’.
Personally I will be bringing a collaboration of all five to ‘da’ club and alternating from one offensive costume to the next, to ensure I will be remembered. I can hear the cheers already, ‘Rachel, you’re focking amaze-balls’. I will go down in common legend, climb to the ranks of Charlie Sheen and decades of ‘winning’ later when someone is asked why they did something focking awesome they’ll say, as they gaze romantically into the distance, ‘I did it for Rachel Lavin…cuz she’s a ledge.’
