Negar Sharafi & Melanie Giedlin
Staff Writers
Ah, Cosmopolitan. Billed as the magazine of choice for the ‘Fun, Fearless Female’, nearly every issue has at least 3 cover stories pertaining to every facet of female sexuality. ’50 Moves Guaranteed to Get His Attention’? ‘Naughty New Pickup Lines You Need to Try Tonight’? ‘How to Have Jungle Sex’? Check, check, and check. Even though most of the time us girls read ‘Cosmo’ just to laugh at its ridiculousness, one day we wondered what would happen if you actually followed Cosmo’s advice. Would we too turn into irresistible man-magnets, brimming with confidence and a heightened awareness of our power as sexual beings? Would guys hang on our every word, follow our every move? Would we finally score at Dicey’s? With SHAG week coming up, we knew we had to find the best Cosmo had to offer and try it out for our fellow girls. What we found was ridiculous, disappointing, and oftentimes so risqué that even we wouldn’t touch it.
In a brilliant article in US Cosmo‘s November issue, titled “How to get a guy‘s attention”, the writers encourage women to get the attention of a guy in a bar or nightclub by standing near him and making continuous eye contact. Yes, you heard us, continuous. As in: stare at him. The only reaction this “technique” actually provoked was something along the lines of: “That girl there has been sleazing on me all night…what a creep.” All the other guys we tried to seduce with our sexy eyes simply didn’t notice at all. Another problem with this experiment was that it is nearly impossible to get your eyes to focus on something when you’re drunk, let alone get someone to notice you trying to make eye contact. Also, you usually lose your sense of time…are you staring at someone for seconds, or have you spent the past hour and a half freaking out the cute guy in the corner? If you really want to get the shift, just grab the guy and go for it: that’s the only thing that really works. Forget about subtlety, that doesn’t work on a night out.
Are you nervous about talking to guys? Cosmopolitan.com might have a solution for you. In one of their articles, they recommend a few hilarious pick-up lines to use on a guy you just met. For example: (if you’re at a park) “Any ideas on how to turn this blanket into a Twister board? I really want to play.” But believe us, the only reaction you’re going to get to these is laughter. All the guys we tried them on laughed. At us, not with us. Not really the reaction you’re going for, right? A “hi” is usually enough to start a conversation. So just keep it simple.
In the October issue of the American Cosmo, the Love&Lust section’s main article was ‘Naughty Sex Tips’, geared towards ‘daring babes who are up for a lusty challenge’. I, Melanie, chose to conquer task #2 first: ‘Sneak a Silent Quickie in a Crowded House’. At me and my roommates Halloween party, fortified with Jameson, I tried to lure my target upstairs for a brief but passionate make out session. And promptly failed. He didn’t want to leave the party halfway, and although the adventure of being clandestine was exciting to me, I realized midway that neither did I. Although the dubious honor of being able to Tweet @cosmoonline my success story with #ImaCosmoSexNinja was appealing for about a half second, there was no way I was going to miss out on a party for a mid-party shift. Furthermore, there was no way I was about to trust an article that included the following suggestions: having sex while you’re in a headstand, having sex while you’re on a skateboard, or swishing sparkling water around your mouth while giving a blowjob. Cosmo: seriously?!
Continuing on with the raunch-fest was the online article ’10 Hottest Texts to Send to Your guy, which included such gems as: ‘I know you’re busy today, but can you add one thing to your to-do list? Me.’ And ‘Using one hand to write this text and press the send button. Using the other hand to press MY button…’. We tried them out on some of our guy friends, and their reactions ranged from thinking it was hilarious, like our friend, a TCD European Studies Student, to being clearly uncomfortable. Even though boys in Ireland would probably react very differently to such direct texts than guys in America, we found across the board that they were mostly freaked out as opposed to being entranced. When we showed them to a TCD History Student, he told us that the point of suggestions like that was not really to have them be taken seriously, ‘but to be used as ice breakers’. He said that the goal was not to have them work all the time, but more as rough examples.
At the end of our experiment, what we found was that we were right all along: Cosmo is ridiculous. The tips are not only dumb and ineffective; they essentially talk down to women. They’re fun to try out, but really there is no need to over-complicate things because at the end of the day, you’re at your sexiest when you’re being yourself. Furthermore, guys aren’t the brainless sex zombies glued to online fuck videos Cosmo makes them out to be: they can see right through your games. Though it might even work for a night or break the ice, at the end you’re really not getting their attention in a genuine way. There’s better places to get tips on all things sex online. A quick search finds places like vorgasms.com , which seems a more reliable resource if you really need help in this area, and it won’t prey on insecurity like magazines are quick to do. Sex and flirting isn’t as complicated or intricate as Cosmo wants you to believe, and why shell out 5€ for their advice when you already have all you need. The sexiest asset you have is in your head. It’s your brain: use it.
