Shauna Cleary
Staff Writer
It’s been almost nine weeks since we walked through the gates of Trinity Halls, suitcases, pillows and innocence in hand. No sooner had our parents driven away teary-eyed were we in our rooms getting ready for our first big night out in Rathmines. Since then we’ve pissed against Oldham House, jumped naked into the pond (you know who you are) and tried to get off with the JCR president. No one could anticipate that the little worried faces on all of us boggers would soon dissipate into faces full of happiness and excitement, but most importantly, faces that were gagging for some shift. I can safely say that by now, everyone in Trinity Halls has at least shifted a fellow “Hallser,” a postgrad or (gasp) a UCD student (I was really drunk guys ok) So as I sit here wallowing in guilt that I am missing my lectures due to a very severe case of the glange/shifting disease, it’s pretty clear that with all the differences between the country and the city, one thing that will NEVER change is shifting technique. After some serious surveys (and a bit of practical field work) I have managed to compose a list of the ten most common shifting species of the 21st Century.
1. The Washing Machine Shift:
What can I say about the washing machine? Let’s start by saying that it is similar to being hit face first by a six foot high tsunami. The defining factor of a washing-machine is most likely to be the person who needs to wipe saliva off their forehead when coming out of the shift. This will be quickly followed by a wet floor sign.
Verdict: Unlikely to get a clean sweep with this guy – 3/10.
2. The Sahara Shift:
Completely contrasts the washer. Victim most likely to dehydrate after five minutes. The Sahara holds a special talent of having a mouth that is as dry as a teetotaller on a night out. Shiftee can be guaranteed to reach for a pint of tap water once the Sahara is out of sight…
Verdict: His personality will probably be as dry as his mouth – 1/10.
3. The “Newbie” Shift:
Aww how cute, a first timer- NOT in college people! You will instantly realise that you’re shifting a beginner as absolutely NO part of their body moves during the shift except their tongue. Legs spread out to shoulder width. Check. All body parts vertical to the floor. Check. Hands placed on ass but not moving. Check. Good to go.
Verdict: A shift is a shift and at least you can say you broke someone in ;) – 5/10.
4. The Twilight Shift:
One of the most romantic shifts known to man. You will find both shifters in the middle of the dancefloor with people violently fist-pumping and shuffling around them, yet for these two people, everything is moving in slow motion as they gaze lovingly into each others eyes. Most likely to include a personal soundtrack in their heads such as “My Heart Will Go On” or other soppy shit like that.
Verdict: You’re so fucked that you’re probably not going to remember his name in the morning, but it was worth the romance all the same – 7/10.
5. The Rag Doll Shift:
Without a doubt the most shameful shift of all… The girl is so drunk that she is literally passed out on a couch with practically no movement left in any part of her body (check for breathing). Cue guy who is gagging for some. Result? Complete shift-rape in the club and mortification on Facebook the next day. Untag please.
Verdict: For the guys? Poor form. For the girls? “Scarlet on yer ma for havin’ ya!” -0/10.
6. The Stadium Shift:
A bringing together of both sets of friends to a place of mutual contentment. As the girl gets her shift on, cue slaps on the ass, pulling of hair and thumbs up pictures beside the happy couple. For the guys, bring on the ball grabbing, head smacking, trying to steal the girl moves. EPIC.
Verdict: Absolute banter for the friends but five minutes of teeth banging for the shifters – 6/10.
7. The “We’re Going to Have Sex” Shift:
Absolute carnage- scarily like feeding time at the zoo. Boy and Girl going at it in the club- shift on, legs up, pure shame. Dignity does not enter the equation when we talk about this shift. Oh so were you planning on leaving with your friends? Aww, that’s nice- not any more babe. Should’ve packed some flats for your walk of shame…
Verdict: Meh, you get the ride but lose your dignity, you can decide… – 4/10.
8. The “Take One for the Team” Shift:
The one shift we all try to forget about. Friend wants to get off with hot guy/girl but won’t leave their ugly S&D* buddy alone. In order to allow your best bud to play some tonsil tennis, you agree to shift the lonely mofo. Your shift will most likely be a “Newbie”, “Washer”, “Sahara” or just a plain psycho. Epic fail.
Verdict: You’ll have best friend status for life but this won’t heal emotional trauma – 2/10.
*see number 10
9. The “Post-McD’s/Burger King” Shift:
For all of us culchies it would be the “Post-Supermacs” Shift but we’re all for integration here in Dublin. This is your last chance to get the shift before you hop into a taxi. There is no choice with this one. As beggars can’t be choosers you will take what you get. So I’ll have the homeless dude with the cans…..
Verdict: Desperado.com 1/10
10. The “Shift and Drift/S&D” Shift:
There is a reason why this is referred to as a “professional team sport.” Not any regular shifter can master the art of the shift and drift. No numbers, no colleges, no names. You shift and then you drift. Suitable forms of drifting include:
Shuffling dramatically away from the shifter
Dropping it to the floor and mysteriously never reappearing
Olympic sprinting away.
Verdict: The BEST SHIFT EVER, no strings attached – like friends with benefits, except you’re not friends and you don’t even know their name…… 10/10.
