“I was just having a shower and it just came into my head.”
It wasn’t the first time Mr. Chrome had heard of bathroom muses. “That happens, like. My cousin had a little baby boy called Oscar and she thought of the name while she was having a shit.”
Evidently, the pranks impressed many others as the bandits’ went on to play top Irish festivals such as Electric Picnic and Oxegen, received a regular slot on RTE’s Republic of Telly and most recently filmed Comedy Blaps for Channel 4. “Comedy Blaps was great craic. Declan Lowney was on that one with us and he did little tricks to make us work harder. Like, he injected oranges with vodka and left them around the set. He kept changing clocks as well and we think we’d be coming in late but we’d be on time and have to work harder then.”
Mr. Chrome also described his bizarre encounters with the director who also produced Father Ted. “He wears a big curly wig and once he ordered pizza and there was no peppers on his pizza and he just started balling crying. He’s a mad lunatic. He supplies the meat for Burger Mac in Wexford as well.” The two rambled on about their experiences of Wexford town itself and remarked on a gig they played in a local nightclub.
Mr. Chrome, “Someone chipped my tooth in ‘The Stores’. He wasn’t a man, he was a really tall boy who was on work experience and we were in there setting up for a gig and he came over with a brush. He says it was an accident but I don’t believe him. He was only 9.”
Blindboy: “That’s Wexford. It’s full of giant boys. Do you ever hear of the giants of the Wexford Mountains? My mother wrote a play about the giant boys of the Galtee Mountains and the Forestry Commission sued her but it was really about the giant boys of the Wexford Mountains. They keep them there with giant Lega. Where’s my fucking coffee? I love the way you don’t have to wait for your coffee to steep.” Not questioning their random train of thought I continued to ask them about their expedition to America for MTV’s “Rubberbandits in NYC” which they admitted was just a glorified holiday. But when compared with Limerick the boys remained true to their City origins. “In a battle between Limerick and America, Limerick would definitely win because there’s nicer food in Limerick. They just put sugar in everything in America.”
Mr. Chrome’s choice also lied with his homeland and their modest use of sugar. “The Americans just dip their balls into the sugar and then put it into their mouths. Some of them stick their fingers in your mouth on the tube. They’re called the honey boys and they have honey in their pockets and then they rub it on the inside of your mouth on public transport. It happened to Blindboy.” “Ya, I got stung on the tongue by a wasp that came out of the letter box and then the honey boys cornered me. You never see that in limerick. Sure, there are no wasps in Limerick.”
Through the ramblings of the conversation about Brendan Gleeson’s hermaphrodite status, and their belief that if you see a younger version of yourself, it would be a paradox, the world would implode and you’d be left with a kettle full of piss, we managed to get onto the subject of Brian Cox. “If I could listen to someone for the rest of my life it would be Professor Brian Cox. He’s got a lovely voice.” As Mr. Chrome proceeded to hum Things Can Only Get Better, Blindboy asked his partner the ultimate question.
“What would you choose if it was between Professor Brian Cox reading your eulogy, a tit wank off Jordan or Morgan Freeman giving you a head massage?” After some deliberation, Mr. Chrome decided that the option of a tit wank would be more enjoyable. Fortunately, they didn’t look to me for a preference.
In 2010, The Bandits’ first single Horse Outside narrowly missed the number one spot in the Christmas charts as the X Factor dominated the position another year running. But a number one single was not what the pair had in mind. “Everyone else wanted us to be Christmas number one but when you get that it brings you to the attention of idiots. No, I shouldn’t say that. It brings you to the attention of people who can’t spell. No, I shouldn’t say that either. It brings you to the attention of people you don’t want to be brought attention to.” Both of them insisted they didn’t know enough about the X Factor to have an opinion on it but they were however, aware of the meaning of Matt Cardle’s single that beat them to the top spot. “Matt McCardle’s songs were about doing heroin on a bus. It goes I’m on the top of the bus I’m up the back I wanna chase you I wanna chase you until you’re inside my body, oh heroin. We’re getting in trouble over saying fuck a couple of times and he’s singing about doing heroin on a bus?”
Last year, the bandits closed the Trinity Ball and when I reminded them about how Jessie J reacted to the audience being so drunk, they surprisingly agreed with her. “She was right. We’ve never ever played a gig with so many drunken people. But Jessie James has no tits so I don’t think she’s one to be talking.”
Given their numerous encounters with Trinity I asked them what they would do for RAG week. “Eat human shit. But I don’t believe in a charity strong enough to eat another man’s shit,” which I took as a perfect moment to enquire “What about your own?” A resounding no was accompanied by “I hope everything doesn’t make it into the article except for that question about shit. If you want to make a career out of interviewing people, ask them would they eat their own shit and they’ll definitely remember you.”
Best advice I’ll ever get.
The Rubberbandits’ debut album Serious About Men is out now.
