Vladimir Rakhmanin
Deputy Online Editor
I read my first Philip K Dick novel at the age of 13 – its name was Ubik, and it was spectacular. These themes of the nature of reality and what it means to be alive made me a lifetime fan of the tortured novelist’s work – apparently, lots of other people felt the same way, considering how many Hollywood films are based on his novels. Minority Report, Next, A Scanner Darkly, Blade Runner (!) and the more recent (and disappointing, unfortunately) The Adjustment Bureau are all direct novel-to-screen adaptations, some more successful than others. Of course, one of the most famous of these adaptations is the original Total Recall, beloved by many for its campy sci-fi thrills and delightfully cheesy one-liners from the magnificent Arnold Schwarzenegger. Personally, I did not enjoy the original film as much as everyone else – I felt that the script was too cartoonish and action-heavy to deal with the heavy, philosophical issues lurking beneath the surface. This is why when the reboot was announced, and aimed to be more serious, political and reality-questioning, I was ecstatic. Going in, I was ready to be treated to a truly great sci-fi picture – and was seriously disappointed.
I’ll get the positives out of the way first – the visual effects team really went to town here, particularly in the first half of the film. Everything looks fantastic, with the world looking like a cross between Blade Runner and Akira. I particularly liked the oriental touches given to the city. There is intricate detailing in every single piece of equipment used in this world, and it really gives the story authenticity. The elevator that goes through the centre of the Earth is absolutely sensational (I can’t believe more sci-fi stories haven’t used this concept before) and good mileage is gotten out of it, with a fantastic action sequence occurring there later on in the film. There are a little too many lens flares in my opinion, but that’s just a small gripe to what is a great looking picture. There’s also a nice reference to the three-breasted hooker from Mars (from the original), but I’ll leave you to discover that on your own.
The plot is where things get considerably worse. None of the promises that were made before release were kept – the ‘politics’ element is only in the background, and never takes central stage, and the reality-questioning is kept to a minimum (apart from one relatively clever scene that takes place in the middle of the film). The action is definitely the major highlight here, and it’s probably good news that it’s well executed. There are some thrilling car chases, a great sequence that occurs in a futuristic elevator shaft, and some fluidly shot gunfights.
And now we get to the part of the film that really falls flat on its face – the script. It’s seriously terrible. I can’t emphasise this enough. Many dramatic moments seemed absolutely hilarious because of inappropriate timing and word choices – and this isn’t helped by the abysmal acting. Kate Beckinsale gives a performance that is so dire that I couldn’t help but laugh whenever she was on screen – not to mention that the only range of emotions that she has during the film are anger, and… well, anger. Colin Farrell is a little better, but not by much. During the action scenes, he has a habit of making these bizarre facial expressions that make him look like he’s in pain, but not the kind of pain which you get from a gunshot – more like the kind of pain you get from stepping on something sharp. And poor Bryan Cranston, who is, of course, the lead character in the brilliant TV series Breaking Bad – having to be part of this project must have been a severe blow to his self-esteem.
The characters also like to punctuate every other sentence with ‘sh*t’, which is just unbelievably lazy writing. At the start of the film, when Colin Farrell’s character and his Stereotypical Black Guy friend leave a bar, the friend starts ranting nonsensically, which he then follows up with a line that goes something like ‘sh*t, I dunno, I may have just had a little too much to drink’. That sentence kind of sums up the writers’ attitude towards the film.
Everything completely goes to hell towards the second half, when any attempt to make a smart action sci-fi picture fly out the window in favour of making Videogame Cliches: The Movie. When the post-apocalyptic town populated by people with gas masks came onto the screen I groaned, thinking about how this was just exploiting that setting’s popularity in mass media. When the gravity gun appeared I grew even more furious – this was starting to become a Half-Life 2 rip-off. And of course, let’s not forget the turret sequence… All of this nonsense continues to be full of unintentionally hilarious moments. The final spit in the face (and there are some mild spoilers here, so tread carefully) is the fact that Mars, which is the setting for the final third of the original film, isn’t even present here in any shape or form.
Total Recall is not the reboot I was hoping for. Instead of a smart sci-fi picture based on questioning what is real, we get a big dumb action film, that’s pretty to look at but has alarmingly low levels of substance. At least the original was competent – this ‘remake’ is embarrassing. A film adaptation of Ubik has recently been announced – we can only pray that it turns out better than this garbage.
