Part One: Women Get Erections
The world is more sex-positive than ever before. People can freely go on sites like EhoCams – Free Sex Cams and Live Porn Chat and have as much fun as they like. On top of this, casual sex and relationships have become a more acceptable topic to educate people on and discuss. However, this doesn’t mean people know everything there is to do with sex. In fact, the reality is far from this. Before we talk about the myth of the clitoris and how to break it down, it’s important to understand how little people really know about sex and women. So first, let me say that the clitoris is not a button. Picture the clitoris: it’s about four inches long on average, although the size differs from woman to woman, and some can get up to nine inches long. The size of the clitoris doesn’t impact on sexual pleasure or prowess, but it does become erect, in pretty much the same way as the penis, when the woman is aroused. The corpora cavernosa are said to wrap around the vagina when erect, which is what gives women the feeling we get when we’re erect. Only 20-30% of women are able to orgasm through penetration alone, and for many of them it takes a lot of effort, whereas most women can come through clitoral stimulation quicker.
It’s important to remember that this is our main sexual organ, the only organ that exists purely for our pleasure, and some of us can’t even find it. This already feels like a problem, doesn’t it?
Speaking of orgasms: here’s another fun fact: the g-spot is connected to the clitoris, so even vaginal orgasms have to do with the clitoris. So don’t listen to Freud when he says vaginal orgasms are superior to clitoral ones, ladies: your clitoris should not be ignored, and Freud was a big sexist. And speaking of spots, there are others that people often don’t even know exist, like the A-spot and U-spot. Lastly, I’d like you to think about the fact some women don’t know where their own glans clitoris (the button part) is, or have sexual partners that don’t know where it is. It’s important to remember that this is our main sexual organ, the only organ that exists purely for our pleasure, and some of us can’t even find it. This already feels like a problem, doesn’t it?
Part Two: Killing the Clitoris
All of this begs the question: why do we know so little about the clitoris and about sexuality? Why did Freud think vaginal orgasms were ‘superior’? Why are we only finding out all of this since the 90’s?
The answer is that our sexuality is being stamped on by the patriarchy, and yes, for those of you that know me, this is the part where I get into anarcha-feminist mode, but bear with me and see if you feel as angry as I do after this, because they kill our clitoris in two ways.
The first, though something we can never understand, is something we should all know about. The technical term is Female Genital Mutilation, and it is defined as anything that intentionally alters or causes injury to the female genital organs for non-medical reasons. This can mean anything from non-consensual piercing of the clitoris to scarping out the labia and sewing up the opening until marriage, at which point it is cut open so that the woman can have sex with her husband, and one of the most common procedures is the cutting of the glans clitoris. Why is this done? Some people believe that it will keep the temptation of infidelity from women; others believe it’s necessary to keep women ‘clean’ that you remove anything to do with masculinity, and they think the clitoris is masculine.
Porn is one of the most lucrative industries in the world, and women can’t opt out of it because all of our sexual partners derive knowledge and expectations from it.
This happens in 27 countries that we know of, and roughly 140 million women are living with the consequences right now, although these statistics are shady because it happens in small villages, not in hospitals, and it’s done by parents and carers more than by doctors. There are 3 million girls at risk of it every year. It happens with dirty knives and razors, and we have no idea how many women die from it every year. It’s widely supported in the areas where it’s done by both men and women, as it often seen as a necessary part of growing up. There is one surgeon in the world who repairs the clitoris after things like this have happened. These awful things are done to women in the name of keeping us pure and keeping us female.
None of us can understand the torture undergone by women in these circumstances, but it’s also important for us to remember that the clitoris is oppressed where we live too; it’s a more subtle oppression, but it is there. It’s there in the little knowledge we have of it, the fact that it’s not thought of as important. It’s there, especially, in porn culture, where the clitoris is treated as foreplay or as an afterthought, where it’s illustrated to be some kind of big favour before or after the main event. Or when you see oral sex being given, especially just in regular TV and movies, it’s treated as a huge favour by a character portrayed to be this amazing boyfriend above all the rest of the guys.
When we ask someone if they’re a virgin, what do we mean? How can lesbians and gay people ever answer this question when they don’t meet our stupid requirements, and for bisexual people, do they only stop being a virgin when they have sex with someone of the opposite gender?
This is our problem: the way we treat women and sex in public discourse, and don’t tell me porn isn’t public discourse. Almost 30,000 people watch porn every second. Porn is one of the most lucrative industries in the world, and women can’t opt out of it because all of our sexual partners derive knowledge and expectations from it. When we say the word ‘sex’, what do we think of? In typical hetero-normative patriarchy fashion, we think of penile penetration of the vagina. For most women, this isn’t what will give them the most pleasure but it’s thought of as the main event; the big thing for us is just ‘foreplay’.
And for same-sex couples, this doesn’t even come into the equation: when we ask someone if they’re a virgin, what do we mean? How can lesbians and gay people ever answer this question when they don’t meet our stupid requirements, and for bisexual people, do they only stop being a virgin when they have sex with someone of the opposite gender? Maybe there’s another way for same-sex couples to define virginity, but then why shouldn’t it be the same for everyone? Why do we insist on defining something like virginity or ‘purity’ exclusively on the penis and the thing that gives the penis the most pleasure? This is patriarchy in action. This is the objectification of women, the assurance in media, in education and even in some of our personal lives that we are objects, not subjects, that the vagina is just a place for the penis to go, that we would have no reason to exist without the men in our lives.
I watched an episode of Misfits the other day, where a couple made it through three different positions without any talking whatsoever. I mean, that kind of thing requires logistics!
We need to stop defining sex this way, like the fact that we measure the quality of sex in orgasms. If the man doesn’t come, it’s considered bad sex, but if the woman doesn’t, well, it’s just harder to make a woman come, right? Women having sex on TV all always packed into one of two boxes: the woman in a healthy relationship who miraculously comes at the same time as her boyfriend through penetration, and the poor damaged girl who has something wrong with her so she doesn’t enjoy sex. It’s problematic when we portray sex like this, like something you just do and enjoy and if you don’t, there’s something wrong with you.
I watched an episode of Misfits the other day, where a couple made it through three different positions without any talking whatsoever. I mean, that kind of thing requires logistics! This, I think, is the biggest problem we have, that sex is portrayed as not requiring communication and something that should be the same for everyone.
Part Three: Getting Cliterate
So now it needs to be asked: how do we stop this happening? First, start asking yourself the important questions I was asking earlier. What’s virginity, and why is it so important? What is sex? Is it everything sexual, or just penetration? Most importantly, ask yourself what it is for you and for your partner, and if those things are different. Are you having good sex? If not, why not? Is it because you’re not having orgasms, not communicating, just bored? We have an entire organ in our body devoted to pleasure; we should be using it better.
Most importantly, we need to stop defining sex and sexuality for other people. If women want to have more orgasms, that should be accepted, but we also need to accept that sex-positive feminism isn’t for everyone, and that you don’t get to shame asexual women or women who don’t conform to your view of sex because you think they’re ‘damaged’ or ‘doing it wrong’. If you watch porn, that’s fine, but don’t expect your partner to want to do something because you saw it on the internet. Take the expectations out of sex and actually communicate, ask questions and learn things.
And for those of you who want to know more, look up the Cliteracy project. You’ll agree with some of it, and you won’t agree with other parts, but the point isn’t to tell you what to do; it’s to get you asking questions. It’s to get women asking themselves whether they feel like objects, it’s to help us figure out how to be subjects in our own way. Thankfully, this narrative is being broken down bit by bit by projects like Cliteracy, by women who aren’t afraid to define themselves, and by men who aren’t total idiots, who aren’t afraid to ask and offer.
