Nov 25, 2023

Conquering Disneyland

Cleo Daly offers a guide to achieving a sense of abandonment at Paris' premier tourist destination

Cleo DalyMagazine Editor

Have you ever dreamed of spending your entire day standing in a queue surrounded by screaming children, horny young couples and balding dads ready to ogle the Princess Parade? Well you can do just that, for Disneyland Paris awaits you, and all for the modest price of €120. 

I have lived your dream. I have seen what you wished to see (and a lot of other things that would have most definitely scarred me as a child). So here I present you with the ways in which you can maximise your experience, how you can make that €120 price tag worth every cent (it will never be worth it, I will not be returning). 

Step 1: Kids Deserve Nothing 


You paid money and they didn’t, simple as. Therefore, you are superior. 

I had quite a few run-ins with children during my fourteen hours at Disneyland (children are unfortunately incredibly common in these parts), and it led me to make quite the useful discovery. If you see a child with any sort of Stitch merchandise on their person, they are most definitely on their way to becoming Satanists. Some of them, I would even dare say, have already reached their full Satanic potential. I was unlucky enough to make an enemy of one, and by God was the thing committed. On its head it wore the face of Stitch (to hide its horns), and on its lips it shed a smile that said “I will gnaw on your leg when the opportunity presents itself”. And gnaw the little thing sure did (thankfully my leg was spared). I watched as it licked and nibbled and bit every bit of furniture that was present while queuing. Watched as it slobbered over the barrier I had previously been holding, before returning to nipping its father’s fingers. I imagine this was the sort of treatment parents received when fairies swapped their child with a changeling, and if the child was in fact a trick of the fairies I would be far from surprised. The monster eventually turned its attention to my weary self, and I found it sitting at my feet. Everytime I would try to move with the queue, the thing would block the way, leaving me looking like a twat who didn’t know how a line worked. I threw looks of desperation towards the parents, but the chance of being rid of the thing was too tempting, and thus it was left up to me. Communication was attempted (unsuccessfully), until I resorted to prodding the being with my foot. Grave error. The monster unleashed a howl that only the spawn of Satan would be capable of bellowing. All eyes turned to myself, as I had now kicked a child. Irrelevant to the fact that it was far from a child, and far from a kick, the damage had been done, and I swiftly removed myself from the line. The miniature devil smiled wickedly in my direction, before returning to gnaw on its father’s shoulder. But revenge was soon to follow…

Whilst running (running is the only way to navigate the terrors of Disneyland), I spotted the creature and its offspring on their way to the teacups just before closing (certain rides finish up earlier depending on the age range of the target audience). And so I did what any sensible individual who is looking to get their money’s worth would do. I sprinted ahead to be in front of them in the line. This is an act that I absolutely insist on. If you see a group of any sorts, you must run ahead and slip in. In the place that is Disneyland, time is money. 

Upon queuing with a follower of the devil, I discovered that God exists, and God is good. In fact, I would go as far to say that God is great, because not only did my position in line guarantee me the pleasure of the final teacup in the next spin, but it was also the last spin. And so I sat in my pink teacup, enjoying the sight of the Satanist standing in the now null line, its Stitch hat a blue blur as I spun round and round. 

Step 2: Be A Hater 

There are many groups of individuals at Disneyland who deserve deportation, but couples are particularly high up the list. 

There is no better way to feel old and single than surrounding yourself with the young lovers plaguing Disneyland. Why pay for a motel when you can pay five times the price and scar children in the process? I had the pleasure of interrupting one couple mid-makeout session because they were holding up the line, and I was overly excited to see Buzz Lightyear. They too seemed overly excited, however less so due to the cast of Toy Story. I watched (they were right in front of me and, as much as I tried, they could not be avoided) as they giggled, stealing kisses and brushing off one another when they thought  the surrounding children weren’t looking (they were very much looking, and they were very much traumatised). They clung to one another as if they were doing a remake of the Titanic and Rose actually wanted Jack to live (she most certainly did not). I witnessed boyfriends carrying their partners as they shuffled along in the line beside the parents who had refused to carry their own children. The sounds of slurping started playing tricks on my starving stomach, and eventually I cracked and kicked into action. There is where you must get down on all fours and begin to bark. Snarls, growling and howling are all very much encouraged and incredibly effective. Get right up in their space with a sniff, and watch the romance die. Plonk yourself in between them if you must, if you can squeeze a child in between all the better. Play your cards right and they might even leave, and up the queue you trot. Save the children, be a hater. 

Step 3: Disregard Your Health and Wellbeing 

Is it absolutely pissing rain on your chosen Disney day? No matter, you must brace the cold winds. Pneumonia is a small price to pay compared to that of €120. The day I went to Disney, the skies wept like students on Results Day. Myself, with my broken umbrella and hoodless jacket, shivered around the theme park like a Victorian child being brought for a walk in the countryside before it was carried inside to die. The hallucinations and shaking made the rides that bit more thrilling. Concerned looks were sent my way by Donald and his ducks in the parade. I watched on with glee as the Mickey Mouse squad appeared to levitate all around my feverish mind – the same feverish mind that is currently writing this rollercoaster of an article (did you see what I did there?). Goofy’s blurred figure seemed to change colour every time I blinked. But I would far from consider this a misfortune, because why have one Mickey Mouse when you can have three? 

Often when you’re ‘Hot N’ Cold’ (hoping Katy Perry isn’t currently cancelled), your desire for food can be considerably lessened, and that’s exactly what you want. Don’t eat or drink in Disneyland (however I will not take responsibility if you pass out). Time spent eating is time that could be spent on rides. If you must eat, bring cash – munching on bills is much cheaper than purchasing food there. And make sure to get the big rides out of the way first. If not, be sure to at least puke in the direction of the Stitch kids and couples. Drinking will result in peeing, and with peeing comes more queuing. And I think you will have enough queuing done that day. Therefore, you must leave all bodily functions behind before you enter those gates. Bodily functions are for the weak. 

Step 4: Abandon Your Friends and Family

They will only slow you down, and let’s face it, their company was only making the wait times feel even longer. The single rider queues are the way to go. A much shorter line of those ready to cut all blood ties for the chance of shaving off five minutes in their ‘Indiana Jones and the Temple of Peril’ wait time. A gathering of beasts, of theme park pros (and potentially some individuals so dreadful, no one wishes to associate with them). Running solo is a lot handier for zipping in and out, and much more discrete if you’re brave enough to do some queue skipping. And, if you’re really lucky, you might even lose them for the entire day, and perhaps forever. Have more children than car seats? Send them into Alice’s Curious Labyrinth, and your problem will (quite literally) disappear. Side note: giving children the wrong directions in the maze will brighten up your day and get you to the slide at the exit first.

Step 5: Don’t Go to Disneyland

€120 saved instantly, you will have basically earned money (girl math reigns supreme, kiss kiss). You’re welcome. 

Observation: Goofy is a bit too goofy (narcotics). 


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