Dear Uncle Jamie,
It’s been four years in the making and I for one couldn’t have been more excited for it: the return of James Bond. Having seen the film, I thought Daniel Craig’s third outing as the world famous spy was absolutely fantastic and particularly enjoyed the bit when…[Uncle Jamie has kindly removed this irresponsible and disrespectful plot spoiler].
Judging by the cultural caliber of the questions posted in this column, I expect that my deep love for 007 is shared with many of your readers. He is suave, he is sophisticated and he oozes that thing us girls long for more than anything – sex appeal.
For years my beloved boyfriend has always been willing to appease my fascination for all things shaken and not stirred. He would, for example, organize the occasional secret rendezvous, book restaurants under alias’ names, even occasionally call me Miss Money Penny and I loved it. The problem is that, having seen Skyfall last week, his behavior has got a bit out-of-hand.
Indeed, not only has he taken to ‘appearing’ whilst I’m in the shower wearing a full tuxedo; but he’s also started walking round the flat in those blue trunks and has even refers to himself as “less of a random killing machine… more of a personal statement”.
Frankly, it’s like going out with a Sean Connery impersonator and not a very good one at that: how do I strip him of his delusion before he is like Skyfall…done?
With love,
Niamh
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Dear Niamh,
If my interpretation is correct (and it has rarely/never let me down) what is needed here is more role play; not less.
My dear reader, what I need you to do is become the M to your fella’s Bond. You must become his anchor, the voice of reason. Bond is a blunt instrument, a force of nature and the only person close to controlling his wild ways is M.
How can you achieve this? A bit of old-fashioned authority and tough love should do the trick. He needs to know that creeping up the stairs holding the UPC remote like it’s a Walther PPK is not normal behavior. You need to firmly remind him he’s more Dalton or Lazenby than Connery or Moore. “Gary”, you could say with a stern and steely glare, “you like a nob head”.
There are, however, two critical preconditions when following my sage advice. Firstly, if you are going to go ahead with it, at no time during your disciplinarian activities as M should you engage in any hanky panky: as we all know, work-place relationships are extremely unprofessional.
Secondly, are you sure that the recent increase in Bond-esque behavior isn’t attributable to his ‘playing away from home’. Afterall, as we all know, James does get around a bit. With this in mind, next time he tells you he’s out to meet Pussy Galore it’s probably time to chuck him.
Yours indubitably,
Uncle Jamie
If you have been affected by any of the issues raised in this week’s letter please consult anyone but Uncle Jamie. Seriously, he’s in a filthy mood. If you really do want to get in touch email web@universitytimes.ie.
