The 67th annual Piranha Hustings kicked off at 5pm on Tuesday, February 24th, at the chock-full upstairs of Chaplins. George Donnery introduced the hustings by stating that “Democracy on our campus no longer exists […] UT have already started rigging the election”, and then introduced the two hosts: Matilda Brewe and Rachel Rose Smith, the Editors-in-Chief of Trinity’s only satirical publication: the Piranha Magazine. During the hustings, the candidates were asked multiple questions, as well as invited to participate in various activities and challenges.
Graduate Officer
Matilda Brewe introduced the first round of hustings by stating that “It’s good manners to start with those who have the least time left”. Ava Tuohy, up first for a dose of the Piranha’s toughest questioning, was asked to draw on her experience as a substitute teacher by taking a roll call of the Piranha writers. The list sported satirical names such as “Mike Hawk”, “Edith Puthy” and “Seán Thim O’Leary”. After introducing Ní Chléirigh’s experience, Smith asked to perform a palm reading on the candidate, who declined, and then declined the subsequent request from Rachel Rose Smith to be allowed to “look into the depths” of their mind, to which Ní Chléirigh asked: “do I have to immediately trust this woman?”. The two candidates were then asked about building trust among the postgraduate community. To this, Ní Chléirigh answered they would “go with the flow and show up at the right places at the right time”, adding “complaining” to the department, and highlighting that they had been doing this since September already. Ava Tuohy stated that she’s “here to represent the elder Gen Z and beyond”.
University Times Editor
The next candidate to take the stage was Harper Alderson, who is running to be editor-in-chief of the University Times. She was asked whether she believes that she is this year’s best-looking University Times candidate, to which she succinctly answered “absolutely”. As to whether she believes to be the best ever looking candidate, Alderson stated that it “depends on your taste”. She was then put to the test by the editors of the Piranha, tasked with determining whether headlines were actual past UT articles or fake headlines they had made up. Among these were “‘It Will Have to be Wait and See’: Minister for Health Reveals New Covid Policy”, which she correctly identified as fake. Brewe revealed that this headline was actually drawn from an article concerning the marriage referendum. Similarly, “The Bad Boys of Acapella: Trinitones embrace the tunes of P. Diddy” was also identified as fake, with the real article mentioning R. Kelly, not P. Diddy – to which Smith commented: “The UT is known for how timely they are”.
Oifigeach na Gaeilge
Piranha Co-Editor, Rachel Rose Smith introduced the two candidates, Mary Kate Ní Artáin and Hugh Ó Ríordáin by commenting on the Irishness of the candidate’s names, stating that Ó Ríordáin had a “slight edge [on Ní Artaín]” due to the “extra fada there”. Ní Artáin, a music student, was then asked to “do a little harmony” with Smith, which she promptly complied with. After doing so, Smith diagnosed that Ní Artaín was “a little bit off” to which the candidate replied: “Sorry, it’s the nerves”. She was then asked to perform a rendition of the Cup Song in either English or in Irish. The crowd joined in for the chorus, as the cup flew out of Ní Artaín’s hand. After the singalong, Ó Ríordáin was asked whether he thinks that “Ireland is for the Irish”. To this he replied that “Irish people are, as far as I’m aware, people”, concluding on the basis of this that “Ireland is for the Irish as well as everyone else”. Then Roan MacArdle, one of the Piranha writers, posed a question in Irish: “An bhfuil cead agam dul go dtí an leithreas?”, which roughly translates to “May I go to the bathroom?”.
Communications and Marketing Officer
Matilda Brewe then invited the four candidates running for the position of Communications Officer to the front, kicking off by asking the candidates what the last TikTok/Instagram reel they’ve watched was. Matthew Kurt mentioned the Punch the monkey video, stating “I’ve been sobbing”. Promise Okafor mentioned Love Island, commenting, “Everyone lock into Love Island […]. If you’ve seen the winners, it was not giving”. Jacob Barron claimed he “spent two hours last night falling asleep to chess and cat reels”, while Alice Moran said she “deleted Instagram for my mental health” adding that the only reels she’s been watching are her own. Then Smith stated that they’ve “actually identified some flaws in each of [the candidates] communication styles” and prepared individual “communication challenges”. Matthew Kurt was asked if he’s able to stop smiling, and asked to convey a piece of sensitive news: Linda Doyle has decided to enact a Hunger Games style draft, and all students are expected to register. His email read “Hey guys, <3 <3, Lindy isn’t happy :)”.
Jacob Barron was asked to “craft an apology to all women” and his answer read that he owes an apology to the “several women I called ‘lovely tarts’ after 20 Guinnesses last night”, adding that he was “ sorry [they] got offended”. In recompense, Barron stated that he would offer them the opportunity to go on a “date with [him]”, further making a crude joke seemingly about spiked drinks: “P.S. the vodka is meant to fizz”. Audible booing could be heard from the audience after this answer. After the end of the hustings, a Piranha editor clarified to a member of the University Times that the question was not intended to elicit an answer like Barron’s.
After Barron’s answer, Alice Moran’s glasses were then confiscated and she was asked to translate a piece of writing from six metres away from English to Irish. Promise Okafor was then asked to write an email about her dream TBall lineup with only emojis, as she previously mentioned that the Trinity College Dublin Students’ Union (TCDSU/AMLCT) emails “lack personality”. She did impressions of all of the emojis used, explaining that her dream TBall lineup would include Rihanna, Megan Thee Stallion, and Doja Cat.
Entertainments Officer
Finn Hallwood and Danila Kitaev, who are running in the race for the next Entertainments Officer, were asked to “show how prepared you are for a night out by explaining the contents of their personal bags”, bags that were previously prepared by the Piranha editors. Hallwood presented the Piranha sticker, which, he said, shows “I might not be funny straight up, but there’s a little there”, and a sugar free Bonjela gel. He added that “as a performative male” he also has to carry a pad “for anyone who needs it”. He then put the sticker on his face, stating it “helps with his acne”, and also presented the audience with a lipgloss, which Brewe complimented for being “[his] colour”. Hallwood continued, picking up a “letter of self-exploration” which read “I am mummy’s best boy” as well as a water pistol. Then Kitaev was asked to do the same and continued to present the crowd with a plastic baby with the comment, “I carry a baby with me”, to which Brewe quipped “with pride”. He stated, “I apologise to the college community [..] I shouldn’t be having that in my bag”, and cradled the doll. He also read a letter that Hallwood, his opponent in the election, supposedly wrote for him, reading: “You is smart, you is kind, you is important”. Kiteaev’s bag also included matchsticks, which prompted the hosts to ask him why he needed them. To this he answered: “no idea […] if I don’t have a lighter with me or something […]. I want to stand out, I suppose”. He also presented a pacifier which he said “helps with [his] snus addiction”, and disclaimed that he didn’t vape. When asked how much he wants to be Ents Officer, he enthusiastically sucked the pacifier.
Welfare and Equality Officer
Matilda Brewe called on the candidates running for the position of Welfare Officer, Rossa Bolger and Lorenzo Cheasty, as “men who are willing to provide”, as they took the center stage. Brewe stated that the role “requires a lot of tact, dealing with hands-on issues”, and continued to pose the questions: “how will you find it into you to look after the welfare of those who have wronged you, and “how are you going to provide welfare to your enemies and those who wronged you”. Bolger answered “Shit, I mean most of them are graduating and hopefully the rest of them won’t pass” and added, “I’d get them a Buttery breakfast and we’ll make up”. Cheasty stated that “vengeance is a strong impulse” and added that “once [he] gets into the role [he] will hopefully become a lot more chill, a lot more tranquil”. Brewe punned on the “hands-on approach” to welfare, asking the candidates to select three objects from the table. The items were bananas, and the candidates were asked to fit the free Trinity College Dublin Students’ Union (TCDSU/AMLCT) condoms onto the bananas “as quickly as possible to ensure safety and welfare” and “give compliments to each other back and forth until completion”. “You’re so dedicated Rossa”, “He has such a nice smile”, “It’s already on”, “That’s on really well, that’s airtight” were some of the compliments heard. Lorenzo, struggling with the condom package, asked Bolger for help, and one of the condoms broke. The Editorial Board of Piranha then started a countdown and did a thunderous applause as the challenge came to an end. Brewe then commented on “the bond Lorenzo and Rossa share” and thanked the candidates.
Education
Sam Brooks and Eve Martin, running for the position of Education Officer were invited on stage next; Brooks was wrapped in a Roscommon flag, which he waved to the crowd. Brooks was asked “how has being from Roscommon affected [his] political sphere”, and answered: “It means I have to like bogs and farms. I think people from Trinity don’t know what a bog is, but everyone loves them for some reason. […] We’re burning fossil fuels and that’s a point of pride at home. I used to be an Environmental Officer […] I tell my family we should stop burning turf because it’s a personal hardship”. He was then asked whether his family voted yes or no in the marriage referendum, to which he replied “no comment”. Brewe complimented Martin saying “you’re very pretty”, and then asked her “what is a mole”. Martin answered “something like ten to the power of 22 … no, that’s wrong, I don’t do chemistry, I do biology. But moles are cute animals, too, and I’m sure there’s someone who researches them”.
Brewe then moved to a series of would-you-rather questions, the first one being: “Would you rather take a vow of celibacy or a vow of silence?”. Brooks chose a vow of silence, stating “you wanna know what the education officer does all day, sort of sits in the office and answers emails, you don’t need to talk for that […], express[ing] yourself through typing. […] I personally, and I’m sure Buster [Whaley, current Education officer] would attest to it […] I’ve only communicated with Buster through the magic of my TCD email account”. Martin remained silent, also choosing the vow of silence. The second question was “Would you rather lick someone else’s armpit or have someone else lick your armpit”, to which Martin said “someone else’s”, explaining that because she “showered this morning”, while Brooks asked “is both an option?”. The final question asked whether, as Education Officers, in their relationship with SU President, they would rather emulate the “slightly erotic dynamic between Eoghan Gilroy and Jenny McGuire” or Buster Whaley having to “step up” for Seán Thim O’Leary. Martin said “depends on the President” while Brooks stated that he’s “a fan of being in charge”, and said “he would have to emulate my modular billing hero, Buster […] I think it’s important to be functioning […] I would be a great dictator for the SU”.
President
Then Matilda Brewe welcomed the five candidates in the TCDSU Presidential race. Smith stated that “it’s best to start with those who finish first”, and began the questions with Cathal Horgan (an engineering student). When asked about the price of a toastie meal deal in the SU Café, he stated “I think the toastie deal is €4.70” to which Smith, (a worker at the Café) stated this is incorrect, as the price depends on how attractive the staff finds the clients (which statement she later disclaimed to the UT as “a joke”). Horgan was then asked to put a menstrual pad on a pair of women’s underwear, and talk everyone through it, to “Offer you a chance to show what you know”. He stated: “there seems to be three holes”, to which Brewe asked: “is this the woman or the underwear?”. Noticing his struggles, Ava Tuohy, Graduate Officer candidate, quipped: “it usually helps if you put the underwear on”, to ensuing applause. He actually did put them on, but did not manage to put the pad on.
Next Grace McNally was welcomed: “she’s not the step president, but she’s the president who stepped up”. Smith mentioned her involvement with BDS, “Bullying Darling Seán Thim O’Leary”. McNally was then handcuffed to Smith, to partake in “one of the most essential tasks of the SU President, […] the creation of a protest sign”. In the meantime, McNally was asked to “dish about the most annoying parts of being SU President”, to which she replied: “Um I … um sorry I’m not … I’m really good at multitasking”, focused on the sign, and added “I have no complaints, I love my job”. Then she was asked to sum up each candidate in one word. For Horgan she said “Fianna Fáil”, Ó Néil she summed up as “Jacob [Barron, for whom he was campaign manager in November]”, Hoffman as “Hist”; for Kennedy she hesitated, and muttered “Ally”, after Brewe said she was “sensing some intimidation there”.
Tadhg Ó Néil was up next, introduced by the host with: “He’s worked his way out of school lockers he’s been shoved into.” He was asked to share with the crowd “his most cancellable opinion” to which he replied “too many to mention” and then mentioned how the Piranha refused to publish his article three years ago. Brewe said she’s sure the article “was just hilarious”.
Jonathan Hoffman was in the hot seat next, as Piranha staff passed around a blown-up picture of his Instagram profile picture (for the past two years), showing Hoffman with several young children he met on a mission trip in a part of Africa. He was asked to identify the children’s names to which he answered “this one I think is Kevin”, and explained the picture as his “profile picture on Hinge, it was doing really well”, but as his profile picture “we are getting ready to retire it”, and disclaimed that the caption below the picture, “Literal Saint”, was only posted on his VSCO, and not Instagram.
The candidates were then encouraged to rub Kennedy’s buzzed head, which, according to the candidate herself, “feels like astroturf”, for good luck. Kennedy was also asked to rank the letters in “LGBTQ” and the groups they represented “in order of preference and oppression”. She chose the letter “T” first, as “people in that category can be of any other letter in that acronym; after that, everyone on an equal footing”.
Finally, the four Presidential candidates were asked to read their resignation speeches, prepared by the Piranha. Horgan started with, “My friends, my peers, it was not me but the dog next to me. I farted and could not find anyone to pin it on”. Then Ó Néil admitted that he resigned because “I was not on the Epstein files. I am unfortunately not friends with many people in the Student Union, so I was not invited to the Epstein island”. McNally, laughing, confessed: “I have had an affair […] I am a slut!”, while Hoffman admitted to “being on the island”, but just to snorkel. Kennedy admitted that “The Book of Kells was just too heavy for my little arms to hold”, and to have “not actually read it”, and that she would “not do better next year”.
The hustings ended at 6.30pm, with Smith and Brewe thanking the candidates and calling on the audience to vote in the elections when the polls open tomorrow at 10am.
Additional reporting by Manasvini Naren and Quinn Katz-Zogby
— Correction, 11:26 pm, February 24th 2026 —
A previous version of this article stated there were four candidates running for TCDSU president. There are, in fact, five.
