Illustrations by Mathilda Gross.
Ahhhh, the Trinity Twenty, the list your future employers don’t want to see, the black mark of all black marks, and the price to pay for popularity. This hodgepodge of heroes may be the best Trinity has to offer in terms of a notoriety contest, but make no mistake, they are, for the most part, champions of causes unknown or just general delinquents. After all, this list is as old and irrelevant an institution as Trinity itself. Whether you’re an aspiring Big Name on Campus (BNOC) or have spent your college years as far under the radar as the Lower Lecky, you’ll probably always be a nearly-made-it, and maybe that’s a good thing.
Linda Doyle
Provost
Our wonderwall. Our champagne supernova. Linda Doyle can lay her tired head down much more peacefully on her custom memory foam pillow now that Lazslo has become just another faceless cash cow. Linda, don’t look back in anger. Go forth with joy. When one feud dies another is born from the ashes. Jenny, are you ready for it? If not, at least we’ll always have Paris.
Jenny Maguire
TCDSU President
Your favourite president’s favourite president. Your dream girl’s dream girl. While Jenny Maguire may have sparked romance rumours with rival Ralph Balfe (along with half of Players and half of the SU) last year, this year she’s got her eyes focused on one great love story: running TCDSU like the goddamn Navy – and looking better than any past president (sorry, László) in the process.
Beth Strahan
TCDSU Comms Officer
Only a theatre girl could send emails with as much pizzazz as Beth Strahan; we can almost see the jazz hands and box steps. If you’re looking for her office in Teach a Sé all one needs to do is follow the yellow brick road (that’s a good musical reference right?) and the melodious Northern accent. If only she could record her emails as podcasts… deal of the week ads just got a whole lot sexier.
Hamza Bana
TCDSU Welfare Officer
For the two hours a day when he is awake, Hamza brings the biggest aura that the Student’s Union has ever seen. Having founded the first ethnic minority support group in Trinity, this guy means business AND naps – who says you can’t do both? A king who is very fond of posting thirst traps, sorry, powerlifting photos online, he is here to offer special professional ‘there there’ pats and purely platonic hugs to any recently dumped students with 2.2 and below results.
Pádraig Mac Brádraigh
AMLCT Oifigeach Gaelach
We have prayed and begged on our hands and knees for him for years, and now our prince of Gaelige is here to save TCDSU from certain ruin. Pádraig Mac Brádriagh is rumoured to have learned Irish in the famous Gaelteacht of Nua Eabhrac in the States, which we are still trying to wrap our heads around. If the Cumannn Gaelach’s mole manages to achieve his manifesto goal of getting the College to make all degrees accessible through Irish, we The University Times will personally perform a weekly jig flash mob in front square just to honour his achievements.
Peadar Walsh
TCDSU ENTs Officer
Eat your heart out, Fred Again: Peadar Walsh maintains his status as a successful Dublin DJ, mans Trinity Ents, and looks (very) good doing it. While Walsh certainly has a lot to live up to – in both hair and style – from his predecessor Olivia Orr, one can safely assume that his years of experience in the seedy underbelly of the Dublin techno scene will ensure that Pav Fridays are just as messy and traumatising as in years past.
Eoghan Gilroy
TCDSU Education Officer
What does the Education officer actually do? We aren’t exactly sure, but we hypothesise it likely involves leaning against Teach a Sé, cigarette in hand. A professional hack who is never far from an entourage of captivated women, Eoghan is very busy. For one, he has to go out almost every night. Second, he is constantly giving Jenny Maguire oral, sorry, we mean moral support. Third, he is doing his utmost to keep abreast of all campus gossip. All while hiding that he is secretly a Fine Gael supporter dressed in a leftist disguise. We would never be able to last a day in his Louboutins!
David Wolfe
Editor, Trinity News
While we may cower in fear at the sound of footsteps in the hallway outside the Trinity Pubs office, we really do respect David Wolfe’s commitment to proving that social media manager skills CAN translate to an Editor-in-Chief’s authority. Who says micro-influencers don’t have talent? David is certainly moving up in the world, at least the world of this list. Last year he shared his position as BNOC with fellow socialite James Wolfe. This year, we have bestowed the honour of his very own spot. Editor, So Confusing ft Trinity News, when? David, can we work it out on the remix?
Ashling Bourke
CEO of Student Managed Fund
The Student Managed Fund may have been dominated by alpha-male crypto bros in the past, but Ashling Bourke is turning over a new leaf at the organisation, serving as the first female CEO of the business school’s finest swindlers since 2017. What she may lack in Andrew Tate subscriptions she certainly makes up for in sheer determination: There is not a single investment out there she can’t analyse the everloving hell out of. Goldman Sachs analysts are trembling in their loafers and quarter-zips.
Tom Francis
Auditor of the Hist
The origins of Tom Francis are disputed by Hist-orians. Some tell of an infant boy left on the doorstep of the GMB with a scar on his forehead, some claim he is one of Boris Johnson’s indeterminate number of children, but the one scandalous fact that all accounts agree on is that he is English. From supporting Queen’s Park Rangers to his time in the Hist, Tom has long been a fan of underdogs. Tom has been seen in the past walking across tables and delivering long drawn out stories about triangular lakes (ask him at your own risk), but somehow manages to be a positive presence in the GMB, though we still sit back with concern for what antics his tenure will bring.
Annika Ramani
President of the Phil
Annika Ramani isn’t all what you’d expect. She certainly is one of those people you meet and can tell were “very active on campus”, but also hasn’t sold her soul on LinkedIn like many others with such a label have. She now sits at the top of the college’s largest, oldest/second oldest student/debate society (depending on who you ask and your thoughts on the ship of Theseus), the Phil. Under her tenure, the Phil will continue to work hard to remain the Philthiest society in the GMB and the most down to earth, since they occupy the rooms at the bottom of the building.
Molly Wetsch, Eliora Abramson
Senior Masthead, The University Times
Due to the lack of BNOCs, we had no choice but to include the two bravely leading the University Times into a new era…one could even call it a Revolutionary War? Americans Molly Wetsch (of Forbes fame) and Eliora Abramson (of former St Andrews fame), the Deputy and Assistant Editors of The University Times, are on the prowl for a hot date AND a hot story, whilst singledhandley proving the theory that American students are only here to find love. Call them. Seriously.
Perch Man
We’re thinking about him every night, oh, he’s that Perch espresso. Nobody else’s dulcet tones could convince us to drink the abomination against the institution of coffee that is the Perch’s creations. For anyone with a submission and/or degradation kink, walk, not run, to the Perch to be given out to and told exactly where and how to queue. Yum.
László Molnárfi
Behind every student activist is a beautiful alt girlfriend who is hotter than him. Having been forced to surrender his TCDSU president title, and hence his power, in a desperate bid to remain relevant László has pivoted his efforts to reporting and writing for Trinity News. Why Trinity News? We have no idea but we can only guess it was what he thinks is the ideal platform in which to continue his torrid affair with Linda Doyle. Either that, or he is just really bored. When The University Times learned that the wannabe politician was pulling the strings behind Trinity’s second best newspaper we were delighted. Sometimes the headlines really do write themselves.
The Seagull
What came first? The bloodthirsty gull or the endless and gullible flocks of treat-laden Arts students? Indeed, before your inevitable face-off with these snack-loving winged-things, you should probably know that they have your best interests at heart – it seems that they have a peculiar taste for all of your guilty pleasures, sweet or savoury. Just last year, in fact, the seagull was seen to have developed a liking for half-smoked cigarettes! This friendly bunch are certainly a native and permanent breed to Trinity, and may teach you a lesson or two in staying vigilant whenever you may decide to treat yourself to a cheeky pastry.
Mr “Quiet in the Library”
In his ruthless pursuit of peace and quiet, our resident library snatcher has yet another year of painstaking work ahead of him, with the incoming undergrads as fresh(ers) meat. His hush will silence and strangle even the most enthusiastic of conversationalists, and his closing-hour bell seems to stir that dusty part of the soul you thought didn’t exist. By the time you hear him, it’s already too late, because he will subsequently find you in even the darkest of corners. It is not all doom and gloom for our friend, however, as he is often seen in fabulous humour upon end-of-term, when the obnoxious library-rats vacate for holidays.
James Ryan
Auditor of LawSoc
The gospel according to James (Ryan): and on the 8th day, after God had gotten some sleep and decided to have a little fun, James Ryan was created, a Heineken in each hand, dubbing it “the Leinster handcuffs” for some reason. Proving that Northsiders can be posh too, James was able to reach the aspiration of all parents for their children; studying law at Trinity. Perhaps he is the saviour God predicted, the saviour with one crucial task: make LawSoc relevant again.
Fiona Murray
DU Players Chairperson
When begged for details and gossip, DU Players members refused to comment, simply describing DU Players Chairperson Fiona Murray as a ‘legend’. With all the vitriol, and yes okay judgement, from us normal folk, theatre people must protect each other we guess. Why Fiona would choose to leave the Cayman Islands for the Emerald Isle is beyond us, but we have long since given up trying to decode and make sense of the minds of those who willingly participate in a 24 hour musical.
Simon Evans
Administrative Officer
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? If your name is Simon Evans, yes I shall. Like a mirage in a desert, like the sun peeking from behind a cloud on a rainy day, he is always just a hop and a skip away in Teach a Sé. Has ever a man existed, so wise and generous, so strong and so humble? A constant in an ever changing world, The University Times’ own personal North Star. We would follow him into the dark or at the very least into the Buttery. Simon, we will love you until our hearts stop beating and the tourists are banned from campus. This endorsement has nothing whatsoever to do with Simon Evans’ role as The University Times sugar daddy.
Brídín Ní Fhearraigh-Joyce
Editor in Chief, The University Times
82 year old Brídín Ní Fhearraigh-Joyce is proof that though the American gubernatorial system may grapple with ageism, but the University Times decidedly does not. After a fierce election season (and only one vote recount!), Ní Fhearraigh-Joyce has one mission: to ensure that this glorious newspaper once again triumphs at the competition of all competitions, the hallmark of student journalism, our very own Oscars, VMAs, and Grammys combined: the Smedias.
