Some people find love in this hopeless place. Others spend four years in the trenches (Hinge). We at the University Times spent some time at our crystal ball and actually found a definitive list of the twelve people you, dear Fresher, will date at Trinity. Apostles, Angry Men, Dancing Princess, the choice is yours.
The Moustachioed Dublin Creative
He’s on the Arts Block benches; he smokes rollies; he’s been rejected by Icarus five times (but he swears they just don’t get him); he has an unreleased EP; his art is disturbing and misogynistic; and he is, unfortunately, very sexy. This man will pay for nothing, and you will pay your therapist.
The SMF Lad
His room at Kavanagh Court is overflowing with gilets, but you wouldn’t know it, because he is very clean. This is because he is a disciple of Jordan Peterson. He loves gender equality, but this is only because of his staunch belief in “meritocracy”. Just don’t ask him what his parents do for work.
Sporty Sporterton
How are some people always fucking running? Genuinely, how do they have seven pairs of clean shorts each week, and why do they love protein so much? They will get you out of the house, but all that time jogging will make you realise that you are literally bored to tears.
Claude Boyfriend
He’s tall, simple, and somewhat attractive. He will gladly take any suggestions you have for a personality. He is happy enough to date you for 90 days. Make sure you pay for pro; otherwise, he’ll start sending you reels of “us” cats – and because you don’t love him, you will want to die.
Jessa from Girls
This lady is always in trouble. Her food is organic, her skirts are flowy, her earrings have feathers, her hair is never brushed, and she loves “experiences”. Don’t look too close, or you’ll experience her making out with the aforementioned Moustachioed Dublin Creative. This is also, somehow, always who your ex dates after you.
Mx. Open Relationship
“I wasn’t cheating on you; I was exploring the liminal space between myself and others.”
GMB Merchant
They’ll argue with you about everything, and graphically recount tales of sex they had on the Hist Convo couches. “It’s not a cult, we only get naked and sing during the full moon!”
D4 NPC
We know nothing about this person, but somehow, your most fun friend has spent the last two weeks in Blackrock.
The Lazy Activist
Their thumb is sore from the “repost” button. Somehow they’re always too broke to donate money. They’ll be at the protest, but run when they see the guards. Gradual reform and written statements have historically changed things anyway.
Pierced & Generationally Wealthy
This baddie will have you convinced she’s Oliver Twist over coffee at Frèd. She has vinted derangement syndrome and her mom’s Amex Black Card in her Apple Pay. She only speaks in TikTok references, and she will make one offline D4 NPC very happy one day.
David Harbour
The most disgusting, narcissistic, therapyspeak man you will ever meet is walking the halls of Trinity as we speak. He’ll have you asking “Who’s Madeline?” in no time.
Hermione Granger
She’s bookish and talks too much in class. She’s on nine society committees and runs on Canva Pro and chai lattes. She has also rejected you five times.
The University Times Staff Member
If you’ve found one of these, count your lucky stars. These are the sexiest, most humble, kindest, funniest, chillest, smartest, chicest, and loyal people you will ever encounter. Just know there will always be three of you in this marriage.
