Every year, the University Times does this thing where we compile a list of, illustrate, and bully twenty notable Trinity students. Hated by some, revered by others, it is our most anticipated column of the year. Unfortunately, because we publish it at the very start of the year, we lose all of our soft power immediately, and a bunch of people get mad at us before lectures even start. Alas, we still toil away, argue amongst ourselves, and attempt to deliver an honest list of the people we believe will be the most relevant in the upcoming year. One special thing we did this time around (see: soft power) was to save two slots for “Readers’ Choice”. Read on to see who made the cut. And Freshers: study these people and follow in their footsteps so that you may, too, one day, be verbally abused by the University Times.
Amy Kennedy – SU President
Amy’s victory marked the second time a naive, idealistic Kennedy triumphed over a seasoned political heavyweight. Unfortunately for Amy, though, instead of President of the United States, she was elected head of TCDSU- The Complainers, Distressors, and Sex-obsessed United. Or, as it’s colloquially known, Gooning Soc.
Mary Kate Ní Artáin – AML Oifigeach na Gaeilge
We are very scared to say anything mean about MK. Now, it’s not 1711, and her bright red hair doesn’t mean she’s a witch; rather, she is a very beautiful Irish language advocate. We at the University Times are not in the business of angering Ériu. However, MK, you made one mistake…being a public member of the Trinity Belles. If we have to hear this glorified friend group sing Electric Love one more time, we are going to go fucking bananas.
Surferboy Josh – Local DJ
Josh is the brains behind the Starlight Project, although “brains” is generous for a man whose principal contribution to society is adjusting the bass. As an Englishman in Dublin, DJing is his way of breaking free from the shackles of austere protestantism. However, all he succeeds in is carrying forth the proud British tradition of turning up on foreign shores and making oneself at home. Small in stature, colonial in ambition, Josh proves that sometimes the biggest egos really do come in the smallest packages.
Katie Lynch – TSU Chair
The University Times is currently investigating the most egregious case of embezzlement of this century – the victim, dear readers, is none other than the institution facilitating your god-given right to party. The Pav will suffer worse than Wall Street in ‘08, and it’s all the work of a tiny sword-wielder. Rumour has it Katie and her syndicate of Sports Unionists have been tapping our beloved watering-hole dry, and all to fund her extravagant spending on Stormtrooperish outfits. It’s time to take back control of the cash flow. Defund the SU (Sports Union).
Eve Martin – SU Education Officer
Eve Martin is exactly as boring as her name sounds, given her only job experience is being in S2S and TCDSU. With all that time holed up in the Education Office this year, we implore her to pick up an art project or something. Claim TOIL for it for all we care.
Jane Freyer – Hist Auditor
Jane is active in Dublin’s comedy scene, which means she spends her days dodging STIs and catching flak from involved Hist alumni who fear the society has lost its way. Her committee thought that when they elected her, they’d have a more lax year, but in truth, Jane rules with an iron fist. Talk about jumping from the frying pan into the Freyer.
Matilda Brewe – Phil President
It’s a testament to Matilda’s work ethic and genius that she was elected head of a speaking society despite her grating mid-Atlantic accent. Indeed, Matilda is a paragon of the American upper-middle class, so we have no idea why she’s still working at the SU cafe. I suppose her piercing baby blues are just as commanding when you go to get a toastie as when she throws on her black turtleneck to transform into the Elizabeth Holmes of the GMB.
Lorenzo Cheasty – SU Welfare Officer
When Lorenzo laughs, he audibly says “ha ha ha”. This is because he is an alien. It’s a shame the best he could come up with for his time on Earth was being the Zohran Mamdani of Trinity wankers.
Seán Radcliffe – Trinity BDS Chair
Seán has already left a huge impact on BDS. So large, in fact, that it’s close to rivalling the hole he’s punched in the ozone layer from constant European travel. But seriously, we want to thank Seán for giving us an avenue to purchase overpriced smoothies in an #activism way.
Michael McKeever – Law Soc Auditor
Michael McKeever is in the IDF. The Irish Defence Forces, obviously. We’re not entirely sure why you thought otherwise. His combat skills will be put to the test this year; the Workers Party is plotting the Proletarian Revolution in the room they share.
Harper Alderson – UT Editor
Harper is very great. She is known for having appropriate and proportionate reactions to the actions of the SU. She treats her staff with great respect, and she would never interfere with how she is presented in the paper she is in charge of. She is definitely not holding a cold .22 against my forehead. And Trinity Health, if you’re listening, please do not start enforcing your anti-vape policy. The fallout will be devastating.
Annabelle Wadeson – TN Editor
If you’re one of the peeved RON voters from Annabelle’s uncontested race for TN Editor, don’t feel too bad; it isn’t the first time essential functions of Irish public life have been taken over by Americans. But rest assured, Annabelle is hardly American; she’s a New Yorker! Well…she’s from Warwick, New York. Think Dubliners in Bray. We at UT, unfortunately, can only wish her the worst. But I guess she’s alright
Chi Iloduba – Trinity Ability Co_op Chair
It was very hard to find anything about Chi to make fun of. They are an accomplished Disability advocate and outstanding student. We decided to take inspiration from Chi’s studies in Archaeology and dig deep. Chi’s accomplishments go back, having achieved 11 A/Distinctions in their Junior Cycle. Also, being a part of CTYI since sixth class in primary school is impressive, shadowed only by their continuous use of the “CUTE” Snapchat filter at the time. Chi’s Pinterest from 2020 also features the board “Dream House” – not in this economy, Chi!
Finn Hallwood – SU Ents Officer
Finn is a two-time loser: first he lost the Ents race, then he became TCDSU Ents Officer. He really beat the odds – being a bespectacled engineering student has never and will never read “fun”, but I guess the people voted for mixers instead of ragers this time around.
Teddy Witherwax – Man About Town
While many people on this list have wide name recognition, Teddy has broad hair recognition. And while he wields almost no influence on any aspect of Trinity life, he is a very welcome and omnipresent extra that always brings a smile to our faces.
Matthew Kurt – SU Comms Officer
Matthew Kurt is wide-eyed, smiling, and kind. His credentials are equally innocuous: Trinity VDP, Orchestra, and Jailbreak HQ. Just the kind of inoffensive profile you’d expect from a covert murder-fiend. Don’t let his boyish gait fool you – keep your nose out for a foul odour from Teach 6, and when you’re listening to True Crime podcasts 20 years from now, just know UT broke the story.
Ava and Karl Tuohy – SU Postgraduate Officer & Llama Cult Frontman
Tuohys come in twos, and they’re both pretty groovy. Two BNOCs make a pair, which is pretty screwy. Karl with a snarl and Ava with the flava; we’ve got two Tuohys to savour. If you come for one Tuohy, you have to get through me; if you come for two Tuohys, you’ll be turned into chop suey.
Anonymous Trinity Instagram accounts
Journalism is dead, and Trinder, Tringe, and TCD Posture Check killed it. Operating somewhere between investigative journalism and cyberbullying, these accounts have campus Flocked. Their admins are anonymous, presumably because revealing themselves would result in either immediate social exile or a seat on the University Times editorial board. Still, we wish them well with their little engagement numbers. Not that we’re checking.
Readers’ Choice
Bailey Armstrong – Chair of Comhairle
One of our readers called Bailey “the Queen of Cabra West”: Bailey, an American living in (and seizing power of) a tight-knit working-class community, serves as a useful allegory for her rise to the top of the SU. She says she loves elections, but keeps quiet about the “constitutional interpretations”. Does section 2.3(a)(i) actually provide the Chair of Comhairle with a Brandy Melville slush fund? And does it require that the head of an oversight body is in a close-knit friend group with those she holds accountable? In any case, Bailey truly loves what she does.
Eoin Connolly – Socialite
Dubbed “Trinity’s renaissance man” by our readers, Eoin truly has it all, though he mostly has a parasocial relationship with a college that doesn’t love him back. He embeds himself in all aspects of college life: like the Hist, he argues loudly and often; like UT, he posts on Instagram daily; and like George Salmon, he will never leave campus. He also got on this list by being the only candidate to actively campaign for it. Oh, and did he tell you he got Schols?
