An Abridged Nomenclator for The Provost, Fellows, Foundation Scholars and the other members of the Board of the College of the Holy and Undivided Trinity of Queen Elizabeth near Dublin
The Provost
Trinity’s current Provost ( “praepositus” = chief) is Linda Doyle. Doyle is best known for contributing a Dear Fresher Me to this particular issue of the University Times, among other less impressive achievements. One time, at the CSC awards, Doyle left early and gave me her seat, and I actually became Provost for about two hours (Provost Seat Abdication Law of 1592). It’s a tough job; getting the €1,000,000 University Times slush fund approved meant I had to chant, “The College bureaucracy is extremely productive, and it’s totally reasonable to expect people to understand it” 40 times. We’ll get it over the line one day.
The Junior Dean
Professor Donall Mac Donaill is the current Junior Dean. Not only does he have to suffer from having a silly autonymic name, but he is Chief Morality Enforcer at the College, which probably sucks. However, if you’re looking to have a good time on campus, the online student discipline page is a treasure trove of fun ideas like climbing the college walls and sleeping with your professor.
The Senior Dean
The current Senior Dean is Dr Eoin O’Sullivan, and the University Times is seriously disappointed with his part in allowing this office to become totally toothless. The Senior Dean used to whip students who missed prayers and publicly admonished a student guilty of “admitting a woman of evil fame into his Chambers”. We do not want any evil fame here, and we will take all the prayers we can get. Dr O’Sullivan: we urge you to reverse this legacy of incompetence and return to tradition.
The Campanile
If this isn’t your LinkedIn background photo already, it will be. It finds us all one day.
The Pav
The Pavilion Bar (Pav) is our on-campus pub. It is extremely enjoyable from 4pm to sundown. Afterwards, it becomes a living nightmare. You will find yourself suddenly encircled by strangers, waiting in a queue for something you urgently need but cannot identify. You will be scared, alone, and dirty. But maybe, just maybe, if you take a photo that is blurry and dark enough, perhaps featuring a friend mid-overdose, you will end up reposted on the Pav Instagram. And isn’t that what it’s all about?
Arts Block
The Arts Block (or “Bloc”) is widely considered Trinity’s ugliest building, despite having the most beautiful people. This paradox holds with grave consequences: Arts Blockers start doing preternatural things like wearing weird hats in hopes of being featured on Fashion Soc’s Campus Couture, picking up smoking between the hours of 9am and 6pm, and joining the University Times.
Michaelmas and Hilary Term
Michaelmas Term (MT) is semester 1, and Hilary Term (HT) is semester 2. You may be asking why we have these stupid names for simple concepts, but all you need to know is (1) Trinity excels at making basic things extremely complicated for no reason, and (2) Trinity loves old bullshit from England.
Junior Fresh
Junior Fresh (JF) = First year; Senior Fresh (SF) = Second year; Junior Sophister (JS) = Third Year; Senior Sophister (SS) = Fourth year. See “Michaelmas and Hilary Term”. You will probably get a lot of emails that look like a “JF/SF MT ECTS” keyboard smash, but just know you are making the life of some Trinity administrator far simpler by keeping your head down and questioning nothing.
GMB
The Graduates Memorial Building (GMB) is the home of the College Historical Society (the Hist), University Philosophical Society (the Phil), and College Theological Society (the Theo). As a first-year, it may feel scary to enter such a grand building with so many older students running about, especially with the Hist and Phil headed by two fast-talking American women in a queerplatonic relationship. But they are already sick of one another and need fresher blood to survive, so don’t mind it.
Schols
The Foundation Scholarship (Schols) is this big exam that Trinity students can take, and if they do well enough, they get a bunch of stuff. There’s a lot more to it than that (they say), but we are literally so sick of talking about it. It’s one of those things that you aren’t allowed to have an opinion on because you either look like a coper or a tall poppy. You aren’t even allowed to call it classist without someone yelling at you. So girl, whatever.
Trinity Ball
Trinity Ball (or TBall) is a big bash thrown on Trinity campus. It is super expensive and pretty fun. More fun, however, is every year the Trinity Ball Committee plays this awesome game of cat and mouse where they figure out how shit they can make the lineup while still charging students upwards of €100. Everyone says, “Thank you, MCD Productions!”
Academic Registry
The Academic Registry is the best thing Trinity has to offer. People will say it’s meeting amazing people, joining a student society, or coming of age in a Hogwartsian institution, but none of those experiences compares to interacting with the Academic Registry. Its systems are incredibly intuitive and logical. I personally have come away from every interaction I’ve had with the Academic Registry with a pep in my step and a heart full of cheer. Like drugs, basically.
Doyles/Chaps
Doyles and Chaplins (Chaps) should probably not even be in the same category on this list, but the gist is that they’re the two closest pubs to campus. How it works is you go to Doyles way too much in first year, maybe find out you’re into exhibitionism, and stomp around on those sticky, sticky floors to the same playlist over and over. By second or third year, you graduate to Chaplins, where you retire into mild-mannered obscurity with your likely fractured friend group (see exhibitionism) and reminisce. Eventually you’ll make it to Drury Street, but some never do.
The Hamilton Building
The Hamilton Building (or, “Hammy”, I’m told) predominantly hosts STEM classes. It’s much quieter than the Arts Block; its facilities are much nicer, and there are far fewer tourists. This is probably why STEM students are generally kinder and more rational than their arts counterparts. Less coping to do.
CSC
Every year, Trinity’s best gay is put in charge of the Central Societies Committee (CSC). It borrows this from ancient Roman tradition. Some other Tiberian practices in the CSC include society treasurer representative democracy, and training first-year students as minnows to nibble on elders.
BNOC
BNOC=Big Name on Campus (see: Trinity 20). We at Trinity love gossipmongering and developing parasocial attachments to our BNOCs. It’s embarrassing. Worse, though, is once you become a BNOC, a giant magnet inside of the Campanile activates, and you stay forever. Sabbatical position? Master’s Degree? Intentionally repeating? We’ve seen it all. Unfortunately, the only way to escape is to get a real job, and, in this economy, I’m sure our current BNOCs will be around long after the rest of us are gone.
Hack
Hackery is rampant at this institution, and it’s a disease. It happens when you embroil yourself just a little too much on campus (TCDSU, Hist/Phil, and the University Times/Trinity News are prime candidates for your hacktivation). One day, out of nowhere, you will suddenly think whatever you do is the most important thing in the world, and everyone else is a moron. You are right. Your friends will grow frustrated, but they just don’t get it. They are jealous haters, and it is totally reasonable to neglect everything else in your life to be an S2S Mentor.
RON
Re-open Nominations (RON) is the most fun thing about all the voting we get to do at Trinity. If it wins, it forces all of the election people to do a bunch of work again, and we all get to vote again. Schadenfreude. However, the University Times’ official position on RON is “against” due to … certain histories.
TCDSU
The eleven scariest words in the Irish language are “Is ó AMLCT mé agus tá mé anseo chun cabhrú leat.”
Tringe / Trindr / Trinder
The only redeeming thing about Tringe is that all the stories are fake.
Trinners
Do people actually still say this? Seriously? I only ever see it on lists (such as these) as a device to summon and admonish Trinity poshboys. Admonishment is what they deserve, but we at the University Times do not want to summon them. Vade, satana!
