The Houses of Oireachtas reportedly have one of the highest rates of scuttering out of any legislature in the world. Each day, our national representatives step into Dáil Éireann and the Seanad to hurl insults and digs at one another with the ultimate objective of making our country a better place. But who are the main players in this field of battle? Let’s find out together to understand why you’ll still be living in your parents’ boxroom in your mid-40s:
Fianna Fáil: The largest party in the country that historically had a Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu chokehold on Irish politics. Centre-right and economically liberal, they had to rein back after getting too loose during the Celtic Tiger, and they’re probably the reason you’re never owning a house. A bit more rural than Fine Gael, but they swear they’re totally different. Micheál Martin probably will still be leader by the time you’re in a hospice.
Fine Gael: If you live in a detached five-bed in Dalkey and own a sickening multitude of quarter zips, Fine Gael is the party for you. Centre-right but again totally different from Fianna Fáil. Origins lie in a messy divorce with the latter about a century ago, but unlike your parents, they’ve made amends since. Your granny probably votes for them cause of Simon Harris’s hair. Just don’t ask them why they’re called the Blueshirts.
Sinn Féin: Biggest opposition party in the Dáil with the biggest mouths. Haven’t been a fan of a singular government policy since…ever. Big into government spending and a united Ireland. Had a bit of an identity crisis a few years ago after realising a few of their supporters weren’t big fans of immigrants, but bounced back. They have a few skeletons and balaclavas in their closet, but don’t we all.
Social Democrats: Hip and centre-left, Soc Dems are the party for you if you feel bad about the fact you went to a private school. Only formed about a decade ago, but has seen growing popularity in the last few years by capitalising on the Shinners’ baggage. A couple of bumps with blackface and Israel-linked shares, but that’s all in the past. Most popular party in Trinity, affirming the first point.
Labour: Oldest party in the country and struggling to compete with the new blood that’s taken its place. Tainted by the coalition government it shared after the 2008 crash and still has yet to fully recover. You’d struggle to see how its centre-left policies differ from the Soc Dems, but that’s just a staple of Irish politics. Time will tell whether it needs to be taken off life support.
Independent Ireland: Another newbie party, with possibly the highest proportion of “GAA lads”. Rode in on the wave of anti-immigration that’s developed in the last few years. Probably supported by your farmer grandad who says Farage has a point. Big into turf and closed borders, simple as. Not the party for you if you’ve got soft urban hands.
People Before Profit-Solidarity: Do you like protesting everything (and I mean everything)? Do you tell people you’re a Trotskyist to get laid? PBP might be for you, especially if you’re a Workman’s regular. Formed in the aftermath of the financial crash and the water charges debacle, PBP are pure left to the core, even if they can’t agree on what that means. The revolution is definitely coming, though.
Aontú: Type of lads that overstay their welcome at a gaff. Formed as an anti-abortion breakaway from Sinn Féin during the 2018 referendum and now are just kind of there. Jumped on the populist right bandwagon in the last few years but still hold onto progressive economic policy. Lowkey just a mix-mash of this and that from both sides of the political spectrum.
Green Party: Another party on the left that was decimated after going into coalition in 2020. Gave the climate change debate a more mainstream platform, but is somewhat of a one-trick pony. Doesn’t seem to be much of a government platform on climate change these days, though, so definitely a tragic loss. Where’s Éamonn Ryan when you need him?
100% Redress: Party formed with the goal of obtaining 100% compensation for those who built their homes with defective cement. Does what it says on the tin, really.
Independent: If you need a road fixed or a job for your cousin in the civil service, your local independent is on the case. A feature of our electoral system, independents bring local issues to the national stage, for better or for worse. If they’re well-behaved enough, they have a solid chance of getting into government where they can back national policy in return for an airport in the back arse of nowhere.
Some say nothing ever changes in politics, and they’re probably right. But at the very least, what we do have is a fairly solid democracy that isn’t as susceptible to the creeping authoritarianism we’re seeing on the continent and across the pond. So maybe we should be thankful for the parties we have, or maybe not. I just want a pint of Guinness to go back to €6.90.
