“You’re brave.” That was my neighbour’s reaction when she first discovered I was dating an Indian man. I remember looking at her, confused and somewhat hurt. She didn’t care that I was happy and in love, experiencing the dream of a college romance. She didn’t want to listen to the story of our meet-cute, how we found each other at the Trinity Holi event, and how, from then on, we had become inseparable. I realised, for the first time since I started dating my boyfriend, that many people would look at us with their eyes clouded with judgement because we are an interracial couple. Society only focuses on our different races and not on the way we never let go of each other’s hands.
My neighbour was not the only one who felt comfortable enough to judge our relationship. Walking down the streets of Dublin while holding hands often sparks a few side glances and uncomfortable grimaces, but some feel the need to vocalise their internal thoughts. One time, while I was strolling through Temple Bar, sipping on a Bubble Tea, I heard a fellow Italian question, in disbelief, how a white woman such as myself had ended up dating an Indian. More unpleasantly, I’ve had to listen as extended family members tried to convince me that my partner already had a bride waiting for him back home, and I would soon be left single and heartbroken. Many assumed that, due to his nationality, he would be inherently misogynistic, expecting me to cook and clean for him daily and prohibiting me from even breathing in the vicinity of another man. Of course, none of this was true, and most women who said these things turned out to be complete hypocrites: the same behaviour they feared from him, they excused in Italian men. Still, I was made to feel that dating a South Asian man was below me, that he was “inferior”, due to his country of origin. This hierarchical mentality was present on my partner’s end as well, with friends joking that he was dating a girl out of his league. The remark implied that he was not that great of a partner and that I had simply settled, instead of truly loving him.
In preparation for this article, I asked my boyfriend if he could recall any particular comments that he had received. “I’ve had a few people advise me to be careful when we started dating,” he recollected. The first time I heard this, I remember being confused. “You’re white,” my boyfriend explained to me at the time. “White girls are seen as lustful and easy. They think you’ll cheat on me. A lot.” Other than my perceived promiscuity, some friends openly told my partner that it just didn’t make sense for him to be dating an Italian girl; I wouldn’t understand his culture and therefore alienate my partner from it. “I got asked if we had problems communicating and relating to each other.” He laughs as he says this. “It’s not like we’re from different planets.” I agree, but society often depicts our relationship as harder than the rest.
Assumptions surrounding interracial couples depict this type of union as perpetually confusing, riddled with miscommunication, and ultimately incompatible and unliveable. I think I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve heard, “Must be hard dating someone from so far away.” I’ve also been introduced to this phrase’s cousins: “I could never” and “It must be so exhausting.” My typical response is to stare at the person in front of me, blink slowly, and hope they realise I’m dating a man from a different continent, and not someone from a parallel universe. This type of mentality perceives interracial couples as harder work. They likely think we spend our days arguing over differences so fundamental they obstruct our daily life.
To be completely honest, the most misunderstandings we have are in the early morning, when, both half asleep, I attempt to talk to him in Italian, and he responds in Hindi. Misunderstandings do happen; of course, we are human, but they’re not cultural confusions. My parents confuse each other, even though they’re both from Italy – it is simply human nature. That’s not to say cultural differences don’t exist – they do, but they’re a source of discovery, not conflict; you call your friend’s parents ‘Aunty’ and ‘Uncle’ in Indian culture, as using their name comes off as rude. In Italian culture, utilising a family-reserved name is seen as forcing yourself into the family and is disrespectful. Similar discoveries of cultural differences provide never-ending topics for interracial couples, who also have the luck of experiencing their traditions through the fresh eyes of their partners. This narrative of inherent difficulty persists, however, with posts from interracial couples on social media being flooded with comments expressing their confusion or “support” in their difficult journey. Treating racially mixed couples with awe and sympathy only further alienates them from what they actually are, which is two people who happily chose each other.
Interracial couples are treated with uncertainty because they are newly visible and do not behave as expected. Currently, awareness of multi-ethnic couples is slowly growing, partially due to more open mindsets as well as an increasingly multicultural scene in Dublin, but they are still not completely accepted. An Irish Times article on Ireland’s interracial couples explains that interracial unions are still seen as “something different”, “even coming from those with seemingly no prejudice in their hearts”. These particular couples do not adhere to expectations: in my case, for example, seeing an Italian man with an Italian woman is not uncomfortable. Neither is seeing an Indian man with an Indian woman. But once an Indian-Italian couple comes into view, the situation becomes blurry as people do not know what to expect. This grey area confuses them and makes them feel uneasy. Even the younger generation, despite being more exposed to multiculturalism, has largely experienced diversity in a binary way: one culture at a time, rather than two merging into one. An intertwining of traditions, however, should be celebrated and not feared. So many styles of clothes, music genres, and even expressions have been born from traditions mixing. Take the iconic Spice Bag, for example, a perfect creation born from Irish and Chinese culture. No one is complaining about that, so why do we judge couples?
Truth be told, interracial couples are just like all the other ones. They don’t need to be pitied, because they haven’t lost anything. Seeing them shouldn’t provoke advice, because they don’t need saving. And accepting them should not be difficult, because their love does not require explanation. Skin colour does not dictate how sincere their laughter is. Every day, on top of the shelf next to my bed, I can see the colourful jhumkas my boyfriend gifted me, draped around the cornicello I got him. That, to me, is the most touching example of interracial relationships. Why be limited by borders? Your true love could be just a flight away.
